Bored, sick and just not feeling my happy old self

For the past month, I've been so excited for my birthday.  I don't know why, but some reason number 28 was THE ONE.  I told everyone and had my own little countdown at work and home.  Ocassionally I had my moment of doubt (aka: letting the family get to me, money problems, friends) but I got over it and carried on in my birthday countdown.  It wasn't until my actual week of my birthday that thinks went down.  Monday I was supposed to go to Disneyland with Rebecca and Gaby (who I'm still a tad hurt she's best friends with Rebecca when in the past she couldn't stand her and now goes to Disneyland with her without me).  It was raining but I was still going with them until Gaby finally cancelled and decided to go next week.  Both her and Rebecca are in school so they still have a week's vacation. I, however, have an actual job that makes me work everyday (except Mondays and Fridays) and since next week was a busy (yeah right!) week, I couldn't take time off. What do they do? They go to Disneyland yesterday and then in February we'll go.  You know darn well things will happen from now to February and we will not go.  So I have resorted to go with my aunt Saturday (who doesn't like to get on rides).

Next, I had the worst birthday ever in the history of birthdays.  If I knew I was not going to get any presents on my birthday, I would not have opened my only 2 presents from Carilly and Marcus (I mean Guillermo -- love how I changed his name!).  Then we go visit my uncle and his family after visiting my aunt and the boys.  We ended up staying the entire day with my uncle (when we were supposed to be there for a bit then go home and have my traditional birthday dinner) and not having my dinner.  Worst, I didn't have a birthday cake! You know I was crying all night (except when my aunt surprised me with one at 10:30pm).  Sunday I had lunch with my dad and stepmom (which, surprisingly wasn't bad because it was just them and not the rest of the family. My tia, however, had to throw in on her card her sassy comment).  No birthday dinner that night from my mom again. I got my dinner Monday night (and a new cake) but supposedly I'm having a nicer birthday dinner next month. 

HOWEVER..
My birthday wasn't all that bad. Guillermo texted me the week before my birthday, out of the blue.  He remembered my birthday (which surprised me because he never remembers anything) AND he actually had a gift for me. I was so excited all last week, waiting for Friday when I was going over his house.  It was like old times between us because things weren't weird or anything like the last time I saw him.  So much that right after texting Carilly that things between us were perfect (just friends), we go back to the same situation as before. Only difference: I leave right after the fact (mostly to go pick up my mom but still).  What does this all mean? I have no clue.

it's been a while but hopefully back to updates a week

A lot has happened since the last time I posted on this thing but at least it will make for a better (and longer!) blog. LOL.

I. Guillermo:
Haven't talked to him in months (which "normal" people would consider to be a good thing).  Yes I have missed talking to him and on several occassions wanted to text him, but surprisingly I have good will power.  I think this is finally it between us.  Last year, around this time, I was torn with breaking up with him because of his comments and thought I would never get over him.  Now, I can go on without Guillermo and I'm starting to be happy again.  I know Mike (aka: my BSB Ace friend) had posed the question "can you live without him?" when I was ranting to him about Guillermo and at the time I thought "no of course not." Now that I think about it, I am living without Guillermo in my life and I'm fine. Do I wish I can share some stuff with Guillermo? Yes, but until he realizes he can't have things go both ways (be friends AND have an intimate relationship), I'm not talking to him.  Plus it doesn't seem like it bothers him because he has a new "best friend" girl in his life.  Yes, I have been replaced and it bothers me, but I'm not budging.  Maybe this Vegas trip will be more interesting...hmm...

II. The other family drama
Apparently this drama (over a phone mind you!) has now become MY FAULT. I told Robert (mind you, I texted him back in April) about the possibility of his phone being lost and I would pay him back if it was.  He never responded back to me and this whole issue continued on until 2 months ago when my aunts "decided" to pay my mom and I a visit. I was very weary of this sudden visit because the week before I called my dad.  My grandpa (who I haven't seen in years because of my family) came down to visit and asked about me.  Then I get a frantic call from my grandpa and when I called him back, my grandpa was very upset and kept insisting if I was ok.  This pissed me off because I didn't know what my aunts had told him and I called my dad, upset of course, to find out what they said about me.  My dad calls back, assuring me no one told my grandpa anything about me, but I was still upset over this whole thing.  Then my mom text my dad and told him to do something about this situation (against my knowledge of course) and sure enough he did.  Hence, the visit and pie. (LOL).
So it was going well until my aunt started with her "well the main reason we're here is to talk about what's going on." There I go with forcefully putting my fork down and waiting to hear it.  Of course it turned into "well you know, putting stuff on facebook is not right" and "we were very concern about you from what we heard" and (this is my favorite) "I did not want to bother with you so I didn't invite you to my birthday dinner".  Oh how much I wanted to tell them off at that moment, but for the sake of my mom (and the neighbor), I kept my mouth shut, looked down, rolled my eyes, and just took it like a girl.  Don't you love how family can turn something around and make you look like the bad guy?  Oh but they couldn't stop praising my crack-hore of a half cousin.  Yes I can truly say that because that's what she is. She shacked up with 2 guys, taking drugs and the family didn't like that.  Then she cleans up her act, starts coming around more, actually dates the guy and the family treats her like the golden child.  Do I have to do that to get some recognition from that family?

What I learned from this "intervention" of sorts? I'm a bother to the family, I have to be a crack-hore like the "cousin", and this whole thing is my fault and I need to apologize to Robert.  Even though I already admitted my fault and took responsibility for losing the phone, I need to apologize to him for not talking to him.  Am I missing something here?

I hope December will be a much better month for me (free of Guillermo, the other family and other stuff) and 2011 will be a much better year (no Bella in the woods, no Guillermo, no other family). 

Update to my last post

I have decided to let Guillermo go. Well, unofficially I have (since our relationship is still in the unofficial status).  For the 2 years we have been going out, Guillermo always said how he loves Denver and wishes he could go back.  He went to school out there so it's understandable why he feels so attached to Denver.  The last time we went out, Guillermo was saying how he gets his mind set on doing something for him and then something happens and he puts his life on hold to fix it.   It got me thinking: what if one of the reasons he is staying is me? Crazy thinking, yes I know because I don't mean anything to him but I have a small feeling it could be.  I remember last year, before he went on his weekend trip back to Colorado, I made a big thing that I was never gonna see him again. Now that I'm older (wiser maybe?), I realized I should have just let him go.  I don't want to be the reason Guillermo can't live out his dream and if it ever came down to it, I would give up my happiness for him to be happy. 


Of course Guillermo would never ask me that, or even think about it, but I'm already preparing myself for that situation. Maybe that's why it's kinda been easy for me to be apart from him this long.  Though I still have my moments of missing (and crying) over him, I've been pretty good about not texting him or anything. 

Very impressed with myself lately :) GOLD STARS!!

Here's a recap of what's going on:
1. Guillermo and me fell back into our old thing.
2. Guilllermo goes and makes things weird between us by forcing me to be around his friends (who clearly don't like me)
3. The friends I met were girls he works with and clearly were flirting with him (both pre-drinking, buzzed, and wasted)
4. Guillermo and me haven't talked since the drinking party, but just quick little FB posts
5. It's not the same anymore between us after our one night stand (if that's what you would call it)
6. I'm not missing Guillermo like I used to before..I'm actually enjoying not having to worry about what to wear to go out
7. Am I NOT in love with Guillermo anymore?
and #8: I am still in love with him.

Why am I still in love with him, though he made our relationship weird and doesn't want to do anything with me anymore? Same reason why I couldn't break up with him last year and why I couldn't leave him 2 years ago.
I want to say I am over him, but he does things that surprises me.  Like this weekend when I threw my mom her surprise 50th birthday party, Guillermo left me a FB message wishing my mom a happy birthday. He NEVER did that before.  Of course there's the causal FB comments but that's the extent of our conversations.  Even the comments are kinda weird because Guillermo's not teasing me.  I don't know with this guy: should I give up or keep holding on?

My crazy dream (non Twilight so don't worry hehehe)

So there are 3 guys that were the main focus of the party, but sadly I can only remember one and his name's Walter. Apparently this Walter guy is a major player that pretends he's Mr Perfect but is really a jerk (according to Guillermo and the other girls that were there). So Guillermo leaves me to go referee the 2 guys that went outside and I was left with the rest of the group, Walter included. He (Walter) starts flirting with me but of course I turn him down. This guy, in my dream and hopefully he's not like this in real life, becomes this major stalker and follows me around the ESPN Zone, including THE BATHROOM!! Yes this guy's hella strange!


After the bathroom incident, I go back to the table and ask Diana (nice dressed Diana, but I don't think she went to the party in RL) where G was. MAJOR ATTITUDE she gave me so I grabbed my purse and went to look for G. At that moment, I saw Walter (crazy, stalker freak) walking by with SECURITY towards the door. I decided to follow them and see if G was outside. Sure enough, there was G with the 2 guys that were fighting and he was just standing there. Freaky, stalker guy Walter brought out security to arrest the 2 guys but not G, so I grabbed him and told him I wanted to leave already. G agreed and we were about to turn around when crazy, stalker Walter came back and grabbed my arm, saying we couldn't leave yet.G pushed him back, saying not to grab his girlfriend (aww..) like that.

We turned around and was about to walk away when crazy, stalker Walter started laughing at G and said something that I don't remember. I turned around and looked at crazy, stalker Walter and said, "What?" Crazy, stalker Walter said, "You're his girlfriend? That's not what he told me." I turned around and reply "WHAT?" Walter, still laughing, continues against Guillermo's constant "shut the hell up Walter".

"Yeah Jess you should hear all the stuff Mo says about you. 'Oh I have this girl that's so easy I love it.' 'Oh this girl's so stupid and pathetic that I can toss her a stupid complement and she's down on me in seconds' and..oh Jess this is my favorite part...'Dude, once I screw her, I'm dumping her easy ass!"
I was so hella pissed at Guillermo during Walter's drunk confession that I didn't know what to do.  I didn't seem like I was going to cry but when G was trying to calm me down and I just looked at him and punched him hard! Yes yours truly punched a guy and broke his nose and gave him a black eye. I'm so proud of myself.

So how did I get home? 2 versions (why 2 I don't know LOL).
1. I called Robert and he picked me up and made up.
2. I actually drove over to LA Live and met G there. After the fight I went back to my car and drove home.

But in both versions, I had to put ice on my hand because I hit him so hard, it buised my hand. After the fact, I was in hella a lot of pain too. LOL.

Wouldn't that be crazy that G pisses or hurts me so badly I would literally punch him? As if cute and adorable me would do that! hehehhe...

New Jess is finally taking over (for now at least!)

Another weekend went by and still no word from Guillermo about going out.  Assuming the only way to get his attention is by waving McDonald Happy Meals in front of him, I pretty much gave up on the whole reconciliation idea.  It was good while it lasted (only 1 outing and then the almost sleep over at his house), but I guess our 7 month break up changed everything. 

Instead of me texting him and officially breaking up, I decided (and with my Bestie's consistent approval of anything Guillermo related LOL) to play it HIS way.  My plan:  break up with Guillermo but not tell him.  Then when he finally decides to go out with me, I'll go but then confront him with the million dollar question: "what the hell do you want to do? make it official or not?"

I mean, if Guillermo treated me like a girlfriend, I would not be having these issues, but he never treated me like one. Except when we went to Pershing Square last summer and then to the beach, but of course it was because he was leaving to Denver that week.  He treats me like his best friend in public, but when we go back to his house and especially around his parents, he treats me like his girlfriend. 

Of course my "sorority sisters" who are supposed to stand by me and support me thinks I'm crazy.  They have even resorted to talking about me on Facebook, saying how "ignorant" I am with this whole thing. Yes I should have just moved on, but how could I when he's been such a part of my life for 2 years?  Plus the fact I still love him. 

Last night my bestie and me went to a book signing and I fell in love with it.  It made me realize I didn't need Guillermo to have fun, though there are some things that I would like to do with him.  I think my crazy plan might just work and hopefully when I do see Guillermo again, it won't be the last time.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart"

It wasn't bad enough I crossed the line and took Guillermo back, but now I'm so over the line I can't see the side of reasoning. LOL. (Ok no more Emily Griffin/Wickman novels LOL).  I realized this weekend it's tough being a girlfriend, especially an unofficial one.  I made a promise that I would not make the same mistakes I made the first time around with him, but damn Guillermo! He must've known about my promise because he's pulling every trick in the book to piss me off. 

Saturday he goes out to a baseball game and doesn't invite me.  Granted, I had plans with the family (we drove to Simi Valley to the Reagan Museum.  I LOVED it!) but a "hey, I'm going to the game at 5pm you wanna come?" or something like that.  If he would have texted me, I would have no reason to be upset. BUT HE DIDN'T! I was so upset but instead of arguing with him (which the old Jess would have definitely done!), I quietly put my phone down and started reading my book, thinking of ways to get back at Guillermo.  I even thought of ways to find a Voturi family that could take him down too (YES I was pissed!). 

Sunday was worst because all day, I did not hear from him.  I made it a point (since apparently the only reason Guillermo complained about me deleting him from my Facebook was to check up on me) to mention on my statuses "I'M BORED SO I'M READING" .  Did he call or text me to see if I wanted to go and do something? NO!! Oh, but the only, ONLY FREAKING text from him was a reply to my last status of the day. 

Status: "NEIGHBORS ARE KILLING ME WITH GARLIC" or something like that but it was with garlic.
HIM: "REMIND ME TO GET YOU GARLIC FRIES!"

OMFG!! I wanted to call Guillermo up and let him have it! He could open up his laptop and reply back to a status but he can't freakin' pick up his phone and text me a message or (dare I say it!) call me!  I don't know if this is a constant problem for girlfriends, I could be nitpicking, or both but this really bothered me.  I know things changed between Guillermo and me, but I guess I was hoping for us to be closer after getting back together. 

Bestie and me referred to Guillermo as "My Baby #3" but now he's been downgraded to "Marcus", the insensitive, uncaring guy from "Something Borrowed".

Sweet Nibblets! I did it again!!

So I guess this means Guillermo and me are back to "unofficial status" again. 
Difference is: I'm not going to push for "official" status like last time. 

Here we go again!

Never rely on mobile email because apparently my very good and deep post didn't go through! Anyway, it's almost been a week since Guillermo and me went out after 7 months and I promised myself (and my bestie and my sanity) I wouldn't read into this.  What am I doing? Reading into the situation like always.

I always said all I wanted was my best friend, my WALL-E abuser Guillermo back. No strings attached, no hidden messages, no unofficial boyfriend Guillermo..NOTHING! Now I am wishing he would do something like that again.  At least kiss me again! Yes I know if that happened, everything that we are trying to work for will probably be messed up again.  I'm definitely like Bella when Edward came back at the end of "NEW MOON" because I needed Guillermo.  It was as though a missing piece of me came back on Monday when I saw him and it reminded me of our first date.

When I was very sick, I would pray (yes contrary to my family and friends's beliefs, I DO pray!) to see Guillermo one last time and tell him everything, including how I feel.  Maybe Monday was my chance to see him and tell him, but of course I didn't say anything.  I hope I do get to see him again because I need him.

Star wishing isn't a crazy thing after all!

Yes I did do that on 4th of July eve (why am I making every holiday into "eve" and "day"?) and thought I was going to break under the pressure of not talking to Guillermo (and I was still pissed at him for forgetting our anniversary AND not inviting me out to the Dodger game and other stuff). Well, as Carilly tried to warn me, I should have hidden my phone on 4th of July.  Reason: mixing alcohol with the phone is a bad combo, especially when you have the number to your "ex" on the phone still.  YES yours truly drank wine coolers to her heart's delight (and against my aunt's constant complaint) and I text Guillermo! It wasn't just for him though, it was to ALL my friends! Even the ones I don't talk to anymore.  Worst part: I even put "Better send this out before I start drinking again! LOL" Did he reply? Of course with a generic "thanks you too!" but I knew the next day I would get some sort of comment about my drinking.  LOL

Sure enough, yesterday I get a Facebook comment from Guillermo about Sunday.  Not really thinking since I had a headache and it was already after 12pm (LOL), I replied back to the comment.  While I was getting dressed, the phone rang and it was him.  Immediate thought: CALL HIM! Of course I didn't because I thought it was a mistake so I sent him a text instead.  He text me back and asked if I wanted to go to a baseball game with him.  At first I was very hesitate.  Reason: the last 2 times we planned on going out, Guillermo pulls at the end that he didn't feel good after all.  Yes I should be sensitive but after the 2nd time and then hearing he went out with another friend, I knew he was just avoiding me.  So, since I had to go out anyway, I said yes and waited for the infamous "oh wait, I have a headache" excuse.  Instead I got "yay. so I'll be there in 30 minutes".  Sweet Nibblets! Guillermo ACTUALLY said yes!

It was like nothing ever happened between us, because as soon as I got in the car it was same ol' Guillermo: teasing and making fun of me.  It was a LONG drive out to Lancaster but it was good to just be out again and with him too :).  Yes I had hope something else would have happened but at the end I was just glad to have my friend back, the same one that I met 2 years ago at Pinks (aka my WALL-E Abuser). 

So instead of jinxing everything, I have decided I'm not telling anyone (except my bestie of course!) and not posting it on Facebook anymore.  I want things to work out on its own and without people telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  I think that was part of why I did what I did.  For right now, I want to enjoy things with Guillermo before I tell people I'm back with him....as my best guy friend of course.

Stupid grad essay!

I'm trying a new look now. LOL.
(Yes I am bored at work :) )

While waiting for work, I'm trying to finish up this blasted grad essay.  Okay, back in the day, I could BS an essay the night before and still get an A or B.  Now I can't write the beginning of this essay! I'm supposed to be a WRITER people!! It's even harder because you have to include that all important question: why do you want to pursue graduate study? I don't know...because I want to get a higher degree and get a better paying job? I don't think I would get accepted with that answer so I have to put something more....educated. That's where it's tricky and taking me FOREVER! Hopefully I can get it done before July 15th (deadline to apply for the fall or else I have to wait till next year to apply.)

Well poor Sassy the kitty was finally taken to her adopted family on Sunday. :(
She just didn't like Tobey and poor Tobey was scared of her (well I would be too if a little furry ball scratched me).  Plus my mom found some...gifts in her room and said she had to go. I put her on Craig's List and a nice girl (I want to say around my age) replied back.  I know she will give Sassy a nice home and love her a lot, but I do miss my little kitty :(  Tobey of course is happy he has the house to himself again, but did pretend to be sad on Monday.

Crazy Edward/Twilight Dream!

You knew this would be coming when I would have an ACTUAL Twilight dream with Guillermo. LOL. It didn’t start off as a Twilight dream, or with Guillermo for that matter. It was just a normal, tv show inspired dream and, like in real life, Guillermo HAD to pop in somehow.


First, I was working on a case with Booth and Bones from “BONES” (if anyone remembers how much I LOVE that show and for a crazy few months wanted to become a forensic anthropologist), then it changes scenes. Bones was still there, but then it turned to Guillermo and me running towards a gate (it was a red gate, like the one from the garden center at Target. I was there all weekend btw.) Of course whenever I have dreams like this with him, we are always running away from something. I guess Guillermo and I are meant to always attract trouble---maybe that’s the reason for the drama we have between each other. Hmm…

Anyway, seeing the gate’s closing and only one person could get through, Guillermo pushes me through first and stays behind. Realizing what just happened, I get up and try to open the door but the door is electric so it automatically locked. This is the conversation just before the monsters get to him:

Guillermo: Get out of here, hurry.

Me: No I’m not leaving you, remember.

Guillermo: Hello! Why do you think I pushed you out first? Just go. I’ll be fine.

Me: No I’m not leaving.

Bones: *grabbing my arm* Come on Jess. You can’t save him. We have to go.

Guillermo: I’ll be fine. Just get out of here now.

Me: Fine. I’ll come back and save you. I promise.

Guillermo: I know you will.

So we leave and, like on TiVo, my dream skips through to the end. Bones and I are inside the garden center of Target (weird huh?) and the monsters turn out to be newborn vampires! Since they are newborns, they do not know the story about what happens in the light (they still think they will burn), so I was able to (somehow) bring a big spotlight and shine it in the room. They all leave except for the leader (could be Riley, who knows) who decides to let me fight off one of his new vampires: Guillermo!

So we are fighting (apparently I CAN fight with vampires; who knew!) at the same time I’m trying to get Guillermo to remember. Right as he’s about to bite me, he whispers “just play along.” So I pretend to be dead and once the leader is distracted by Guillermo, I come up and kill him. How did I do that? I don’t know but all I remember is both Guillermo and Booth (YES even poor Booth became a vampire) tearing the leader apart (a la Jasper and Emmett).

You’re wondering: How is this a Twilight/Edward dream? Well, after the fighting the guys realized (of course) they can’t go outside. Being a Twi-heart, I take Guillermo and put him towards the light and show him sparkling under the light. Here is the mini conversation:

Guillermo: Oh now I really have to read the books.

Me: Yes you do, especially if you want to be kissing me.

Guillermo: Why? Is there like a special vampire trick or something to kiss you?

Me: Try it and see what happens.

He leans over and kisses me but, like Edward, was having trouble. It was worst when, by accident, his tooth poked my lip and I started bleeding. Guillermo backs away while I was trying to clean my lip.

Me: Now you know what I mean. We are stopping by the house and I’m getting my books so you can start reading. Trust me, now you will have so much time you can finish reading those books in a couple of days.

A week from today I should have been going to the BSB concert...

Sadly all the posers that claim to be the Backstreet Boys's "biggest fans" bought all the tickets so now I have to stay home and do NOTHING.  Yes I could go to the semi free concert at Hollywood Park next week but my connection (aka Robert) is angry at me so I can't get in for free and get free drinks and food.    I was so excited today because I worked so much and I got a big paycheck.  I was going to buy my Ecplise tee and my Bella bracelet (read previous blog) but now when I checked my bank to make sure I had enough to order my internet (and not use the one at work) I was negative!!! The bank took all my money and I didn't even know! Grr Bank of America!  Now I am poor again (tomorrow I'm supposed to go by my step mother's art studio and pick up some money that she's gonna give me for voluteering at the school a couple weeks ago so I guess that's something)   How do you get someone to understand you don't want anything from him?  That's the latest issue between Guillermo and me.  Yes I broke and started talking to him but of course the conversation had to turn to "us."  I get the fact that things can't be the same because of the email (Grr...stupid email! I so regret sending that to him but I was a PMSing girl that was under pressure because someone's crazy boyfriend was calling the office giving death threats. Can you blame me?) but I don't want Guillermo like that anymore.  Trying to tell him that is much harder than having a deep conversation with him in person.  I feel bad hurting him like that, but I do miss him a lot.    Well it's almost time for me to leave one bad place and head to another bad place.  Also known as "Going to my aunt's house to watch the Laker game." Why?  Robert's pissed at me and most likely my aunt's pissed at me too for not calling.  Well I'm sorry but I have more pressing issues than remembering to call relatives that can also pick up the phone and call me too. Grr...to lazy relatives!   Yes I'm not in a happy mood today. Actually haven't been my happy self for this whole week. Definitely I do need a drink now. :)

The Bella Bracelet dream

I might have mentioned about the dream but I just had another one (probably since I've been DYING to get the bracelet before the movie comes out!). Of course it had to have Guillermo in it too (who else!)

So for my 27th birthday I got the Bella bracelet from Guillermo (I probably was bugging him so much he got it for me to shut me up...typical Guillermo. LOL).  I never took that bracelet off for months, dangling the charms every chance I got.  Pretty much I was in LOVE with my bracelet.  Our 2 year anniversary comes along and that Friday (the Friday in real time that I would be going to the BSB concert but can't because stupid posers got all the tickets! Grr...) Guillermo asked me for the bracelet.  GASP! I didn't want to give it to him because that was my bracelet.  After some convincing and guarantees that the bracelet would be safe, I gave it to him and promised he would give it back on Sunday (our anniversary day).  You know that was the most torturious weekend ever because I didn't have my bracelet. LOL

Sunday comes along and Guillermo has this nice day planned but all I wanted was my bracelet back (vain, probably but this was my favorite jewerly! Especially from him too!) but I'm not that mean to tell him to give it to me.  Sadly I don't remember what we did except at the end when we went back to our spot by LAX. (Another story).  Smiling, Guillermo takes out a small, blue box and gives it to me and says that's my anniversary gift.  Ok even though I was complaining about not having my bracelet, I was excited to get another gift. LOL. So I open it and there was my bracelet! He helps me put it back on and there I go, spinning the charms around until I noticed something was different.  Guillermo laughs and points to the new one: a WALLE charm.  Then he tells me "Though you love Edward and Jacob and you think I'm these guys, WALLE will be there to remind you of that guy you fell in love with first."  (aww...!)

I think besides the Joe Jonas dream, I love this dream the most.  Now I have to go buy my bracelet since harassing people is not working. LOL.

My new Joe Jonas Dream

Joe Jonas Dream: 
I guess it happened because I was talking to Guillermo this past weekend.  So it starts out the same way: high school, but instead of it being the JONAS high school, it was my high school (Mission).  I was talking to this girl named Julie (she actually went to the Mount, but she was ever so smart and didn't talk to me, though we were in Mock Trial class).  She was trying to get me to go inside our poli sci class (how convienent!) but I didn't want to because I was late (typical..I was always the one that had to be on time or else I didn't go to class) and because JOE JONAS was sitting in my spot.  Finally, after getting a note from the office (which reminded me of my elementary school office) and going into class A HOUR LATE (goodness!) Dr Boutrous (YES! She was even in my dream!) excused me and let me into class (stating something about going out with my dad).  I sat down with a briefcase (Julie's idea because I misplaced my backpack somewhere at school) and then I get a note from Joe.  Apparently he saw me outside and knew why I was so upset to go into class (because I liked him! How could you NOT like Joe of Jonas?).  I was so embarassed I didn't even look up the rest of the period.  Joe pulled an Edward in "Twilight" by running out of class when the bell rang and I felt so bad.  To make it worst, NICK JONAS comes over to me and tells me that his brother is not interested in me, BUT he would help me out.  The deal was I would help Nick with his English class and he would get Joe to talk to me.  Julie said no because Nick's a prankster, but hey any chance to help a Jonas I will do :)

Turns out, I didn't need Nick's help because later that day (actually afterschool) Joe comes up to me and starts talking to me.  Best of all, he made me my own set of notes that I missed from class (AWW...) Why did it remind me of Guillermo?  Because when Joe took me out for ice cream (our 1st date/"outing") he was driving an Altima (Guillermo's car--exactly the way he has it now, including that ugly pink rally monkey hanging in the back of the passenger seat). 

My review "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner"

The new novella by Stephanie Meyer is about the newborn vampire Bree Tanner. This really gives the reader perspective into what life is like for a vampire, especially one that is not a Cullen and not a vegetarian. There is also another vampire that is not mentioned in Ecplise but is important to who Bree becomes at the end: Diego. At the beginning, Diego befriends Bree and becomes close towards the end. Sadly we can only imagine what could have been because Diego is killed before the fight.

The novella also shows how naive the rest of the vampires are. Besides Bree and Fred (the only vampire in the group that has 'talent'), the other newborns believed everything Riley (the leader and Victoria's lover) told them. To the end, the newborns didn't know they didn't stand a chance against the Cullens.

For those that read Ecplise, Bree is a bad vampire that decided to give up. After you read Bree's story, you realize she was never a bad vampire to begin with. You feel bad for Bree at the end because she lost Diego, the only person she cared for. She also lost her freedom because of what happens at the end but she went, knowing 2 things: Riley paid for Diego's death and she realized not all vampires (especially the Cullens) are bad.

I recommend this book to every Twilight fan and I will be the first to say "Team Bree!" LOL.

Never eat bread with white powder again!

Because yours truly did that, thinking it was good for you. Actually, it was mold and that was why I was feeling sick and couldn't eat or hold anything down Tuesday night and all day Wednesday. While making friends with the toilet while keeping Tobey calm and watching Sassy, I have decided I will give up bread. This morning, however, I am eating a donut.

So I found out that Sassy is a vampire in training. Why? She bites!! I woke up at 5am yesterday because I couldn't sleep and she was out jumping around. Again she let me hold her but man, I became her chew toy! I have bite marks and scratches all over my hands and arms.

Funny dream I had yesterday and YES it involves Guillermo. We were at Nancy's wedding and I was leaning on his shoulder during the ceremony, in which he does his cute "HI" to me. Then after the reception we head back to his house and we were talking about weddings and stuff. Guillermo then asked if I saw myself marrying him and I said "maybe." We got into this discussion about us marrying each other and then he says, "Well I guess I can't give you this." Because I'm the curious type, I tell him to show it to me and he opens his nightstand and pulls out a small box. He gives it to me and when I open it, it's his school ring. Guillermo then goes that the ring is like a promise ring and when we are ready then he'll get me an engagement ring. Here's the weird part: I start reading Ecplise and it's the part when Edward gives Bella the engagement ring! I start laughing because that's how (if this ever happens!) Guillermo would be.

quicky

Right now I am trying to read the latest Twilight book "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner" but of course I can't do that. LOL.

I'm excited that Sassy let me hold her and pet her this morning. I hope she lets me pet her again tonight. :)

Guillermo emailed me, confused as always as to why I deleted him from my FB. I went ahead and added him again but I think it's to just check up on me to see what I'm doing. Well I'm not giving him pleasure to see how miserable I am without him.

More blogging tomorrow.

After a fun filled, work week I still haven't learned anything!

I knew June 1st was going to be the "make it or break it day" because when I was sick I gave myself till this day to get better. Why June 1st? Guillermo's birthday. I had thought this day would be the comeback day for us, me surprising him on his birthday and of course being better. Well the latter happened quickly but I was still on the deadline.

Since we had our text fight last month, I debated long and hard about even wishing Guillermo happy birthday. I mean, he didn't do that for me on my birthday and practically ruined it. Finally the nice Jess in me (I hate the nice Jess by the way) decided to do it and I FB him a generic birthday wish. He replies back that night and the mean Jess replies back, saying "If one of us was to have a good birthday I guess it was you." He replies back "Uhh..okay. Glad to be born then." Of course I could have came back with a meaner line but instead took it as a good sign and started talking to him. Guillermo didn't want to talk because he ended the conversation with "OK" I was hurt but more pissed because here I was, the one that actually didn't do anything this time, making the effort and Guillermo, who was at fault with this fight, didn't want to do anything about it.

I decided at that time, I wouldn't do anything about it anymore. I have other friends that I can hang out with and I didn't need Guillermo anymore. Well, in a way I do need the Guillermo that I was friends with. The one that promised to always be there for me, especially when it's important, but all that I've seen is the jerk Guillermo that just tossed me to the side. My co-worker, Cecy, who knows much about our drama too had said Guillermo could have been teasing me because he knew I would never make a scene in public but I took it literally. I thought about it but after how he acted last night, I think he really meant it.

This morning I decided to do the thing I should have done in the beginning (not really because I was heavily medicated so I could have ended up deleting everyone except him) I took Guillermo off my FB. I know I will never hear from him again, but if Guillermo ever decides he wants to work things out, he can text me or call me. I know I have said it so many times but somehow Guillermo and me always found our way back to each other, but I think now it's really really over and now I am through with him.

Sassy vs Tobey, round 1

It has been about a month since I got Sassy (my adorable yet bad kitten that my bestie Carilly gave me) and because she likes to hide under the sofas, the bed, the dresser (yes she's gotten in the drawers now) and any place she can get into I haven't had the chance to introduced her to Tobey (my equally adorable but bad dog).  The first time he came over the house, Tobey went crazy.  He was crying while sniffing Sassy out from under the sofa (which was the reason she got out of the house and was outside for a couple of days.) The second time I brought him over, Tobey sniffed around and just forgot about her.  Maybe he thought I got rid of the kitty.  Then last week Tobey came and started living with us.  We were worried Tobey would go back and start hunting down Sassy but since he had to move to a new house, Tobey mostly was sleeping and being depressed.  I stayed home with him for a couple of days, just to watch him and make sure he didn't see her, and nothing.  I even left Tobey home alone for a few hours on Sunday and nothing happened.  I began to think the pairing would work.

Then Sassy started to get ideas and would causally pop out from under my mom's bed, like taunting Tobey to come and get her.  My mom and I would quickly close the door, move towards her (when Sassy sees someone take a step, she runs.), or something so Tobey wouldn't see her.  Maybe she wanted Tobey to see her because he tends to eat her food. Sassy started acting braver and then today of all days (I was going back to work) she made her move.  I saw her coming towards my room and Tobey was, of course, sleeping on my bed.  She would peek over to my room and quickly duck back to my mom's room.  When I would see her I would move towards her and of course run.  I guess I turned around too quickly because as soon as I turned my back to get my stuff, Sassy peeked over and ran to the living room.  Tobey jumped down and ran after her, barking at her.  I run (okay, hobbled) over to the kitchen and poor Tobey was wimpering while sniffing around the kitchen and sofa.  I felt so bad, but I had to leave so I quickly petted Tobey on the head and tried to calm him down.  When I was closing the door, Tobey was just looking at me with sad eyes.  I just hoped Sassy doesn't do anything because I may be coming home to an even more messy house later. 

This is how it might play out

So my work computer didn't even want me to post it because it shut off on me (and all my work was lost so I have to get back to work. LOL).  Anyway, yesterday I started to write this and this scene is kinda how I think our last outing will be.  Sad, yes I know but in reality this is mostly how it will turn out. I left it open because maybe Guillermo will surprise me and actually do something but I know him well enough that he won't.

Lizzy looks at Carlos, both of them red eyed from crying. This wasn't supposed to end up like this, she thought. "What Carlos? Are you just gonna give up and walk away? What happened to the Carlos I knew? The one I fell in love with? Where is he?" She felt the tears coming down her cheeks but she didn't care anymore.


Carlos just stood there, looking at Lizzy.  All he wanted to do was grab Lizzy, hug her and tell her the truth. Something inside him, however, was holding him back from doing that and it was killing him. "Lizzy...I'm...I'm sorry." was all he could get out before he started to cry.


Lizzy stopped and realized, for the first time in their 1 year and 11 month relationship, this was truly over.  She was going to turn around and walk away, but decided to finish this off for good. Sighing, Lizzy wiped her eyes and looked at Carlos.


"Carlos, I'm sorry for this.  If I hadn't asked for that break we would be fine right now. Instead I got angry after your comment about cheating on me if we hooked up. In this relationship, that's the only thing I regret doing. I will always love you Carlos because you were my 1st everything. Yes we had our moments but mostly we always found our way back to each other. I have such great memories of us, whether it was at the beach or just driving around. You supported me and just being there when no one else was. I'm gonna miss that because after tonight I have to face the fact you won't be around anymore."

Lizzy starts to cry and leans over and kisses Carlos one more time, reminding her of their first kiss a year ago.  Carlos didn't say anything when Lizzy stood and turned around.  As she walked away, Lizzy wished and even prayed that Carlos would stop her from leaving but nothing happened.

Again I stayed home because I feel miserable and yet again I'm out doing other things than resting. Grr... I had a Bella moment yesterday at Matty's school. There was a dad picking up his daughter and for the next 5 minutes I thought it was Guillermo. Then I put on Twitter "Dear Alice. I saw him today." like from New Moon. I forgot the rest but still it was weird.

Here's what I know

About 3 things I know....
1. Guillermo Flores is a JERK
2. A part of him, and I don't know how much of him, is in love with me.
3. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him....still

Dang! Really has been a while!

Supposedly I'm working on entering and getting history reports on these correspondences that I'm now in charge of, but instead I'm blogging. LOL.


First off, I'm actually doing better with my leg. Yes I'm a tad limping but lately I can pull off the walking normally again. It's probably been a month since the new doctor put me back on the medication and FINALLY it's starting to work. I hope this means I can pull off the old "get up and dress in 5 minutes" routine again. Of course I have the occassional pain when I forget and overwork it, but majority of the time I can fake it. Yay! I'm not House anymore. Maybe in some strange way, watching Edge (who messed up his Achilles' Heel and had surgery but still limps a little) fight and defeat Chris Jericho on EXTREME RULES helped? lol

So Guillermo and me have been trying to actually go out again since the end of last month but every time something happens and we don't go. Either my leg's acting up or he's working. I'm hoping it will be different on Friday. Why Friday? The BERLIN concert at Hollywood Park! He mentioned he wanted to go and I started looking into the concert (aka: finding out if it was the real band). Then I posted that I was going to the concert too. I'm so excited, since it will be the first actual concert I am going to, but now I'm starting to have second thoughts about it.

First, what if Guillermo is not even going after all.
Second, what if he goes but doesn't take me.

Since Guillermo first started asking to go out, I started to panic. Part of me wanted to definitely go out, since I haven't gone out since December (pretty much after I broke up with him and when I got sick). The other part of me was afraid to go out because I didn't want Guillermo to see how bad I was. Yes I did ask him one night if he would treat me differently and he said "of course not" but he's a guy. Now that I'm ready to go and face him, I'm worried if I waited too long. I know we had agreed to be friends but could I be especially if I see him with someone else? Guillermo's done a lot of going out while I was sick so it could happen and I would be happy for him, but this is the guy I love. Could I really be the good friend and let him go? That is why now I'm debating about the concert. Let's see what happens.

I'm finally getting used to the new house and it's been about 3 weeks since my mom and I moved. I have my posters up so it's beginning to feel like 'my home.' I've never felt like that since we moved from my grandma's house many years ago and this house kinda reminds me of her house. Maybe that's why I'm starting to feel a bit comfortable.

Oh and finally my mom conceded and let me get a KITTY!! YAY!

She's a tiny, tiny black and white kitty named Sassy because she got out and for the entire weekend we couldn't find her. Monday we were able to find her and coax her back inside (of course after getting bitten by her while feeding her.) Now Sassy's back to hiding under the couches but at least I know she's inside.

Home from work yet again

Yes and I have a feeling this could be a weekly event.  Ehh...

So after waking up from a long nap due to taking pain killers for the leg (oh and my jaw's hurting like crazy and my cheek is actually swollen---I'm a freak now! *sad face*) I remembered that the new Eclipse trailer came out this morning.  There I go to check it out and OMG this will probably be the best movie in the series (granted there are only 2 made and 1 more to go, actually Breaking Dawn will probably be split into 2 parts like Harry Potter).  The one part that everyone's talking about (and wishes their men would say to them, myself included and actually had tears in my eyes thinking about it) is Jacob's famous line "I'm going to fight for you until your heart stops beating"

Of course we all know how the book ends but it's still exciting to see who Bella will choose.  As if the director will make a drastic change in the movie, upsetting the whole Twilight community.  As for me, I'm still a Team Jacob fan.  Trying to make Guillermo into my own Edward kinda made this Edward not so appealing anymore.  For a while, I hated Jacob but after 5 minutes I realized he's the most realistic guy in the series.

Countdown to Ecplise on June 30th has now started. Now I have to go back and reread the book before June.

Of course the day I come back to work, there's no supervision......

AND NO WORK FOR ME!!! YIKES!!

So, I'll just blog and make it seem like I'm working on billing stuff so the other supervisors (or the lead that for some odd reason does not like me since I started working here) won't throw me to the non-Jacob pack wolves (aka: the PHONES).

What I did since the last time I posted? Hmm....
1. Off work again because my leg swelled up again but not as bad like last time.
2. Couldn't go to Disneyland on Sunday because of the leg situation but had fun at home
3. Another Cinderella Story is still my favorite movie but it doesn't make me sad like before.\
4. Downloaded more songs from the soundtrack Another Cinderella Story
5. Suddenly have an urge to dance (crazy, huh? Of course if I tried it now I would end up right back in the hospital. LOL)
6. Realized I do not want to see my dad's family because frankly they get on my nerves and I don't want to be around that right now during my recovery.
7. Still trying to write letters to people but when I start, I never finish it (Sorry Carilly but it's coming!!)
8. Realized that making peace with Angie wasn't a good thing because I haven't heard anything back from her.
9. Decided based on #8 not to make peace with Katie
10. I spend too much time thinking when I'm just laying in bed with my leg elevated and can't fend for myself. LOL

Oh and add another thing on the list of stuff: I haven't had ANY inclination to text or even want to talk to Guillermo since the last text I sent him. I think that's what I needed: closure. I told him how I felt, then told him I never regret the things we did, he wants to still be friends and there you go. Yes maybe it would be nice to have him text me to see how I'm doing (I told him I would be better in a few weeks) but I'm not thinking about it or anything anymore. Maybe if I had done this sooner, like a week before my birthday, I would have been so much better.

OH, RANDOMness! I found cds that I made at the Mount of old songs so I started listening to them in the car this week. I can't believe the stuff I downloaded! I guess it was the Mount coodies or something. LOL. Anyway, I found this song that it could have been my official break up song. Then I looked at the title of the cd: LOVE SONGS to cry over. It got me thinking: Who would I be in love with that I would have LOVE SONGS? I know for certain there was Jimmy but he had too many issues (Plus he was with Angie and that's how the whole drama started between Katie and Angie). Irene had some guy she met online and Rebecca had some 17 year old guy from school and of course Katie had no one so it made me think. Was it somehow a precursor to what would happen now? Interesting enough it made me watch the Matrix at 8:30 in the morning. LOL.

OMG! Joe KISSED Stella! Where was I when this happened?

My mom bought me the new I HEART JONAS dvd the other night (since I went through all the movies I got while I was recovering that week) and I saw that last episode (might have been the season finale in "normal people" time). I am SO glad Joe finally gave in and kissed Stella. Times like this I wished I had cable to watch season 2. I may have to tweet Nick and Joe and get some hints or something to let me know. Will Joe and Stella FINALLY be a couple? So exciting!

"Recovering" you might ask? Yes, yours truly was once again in the mist of a medical emergency in the form of not walking....at all. When I was sick with the flu a while ago, I took tons of Tyenol and Tyenol Multi Symptom medicine and some other stuff (which I was too sick to remember but apparently my mom called my aunt who thinks she's a licensed doctor and told my mom to buy all these stuff to give me). I did get better in a week but then my leg (my bad leg--the one that has the blood clot in it) got hella swollen and painful to walk. Eventually on Friday my mom couldn't stand to watch me limp around so she dragged me to the hospital. We went at 9am (which both of us thought it wouldn't be crowded and we would be in and out quick) and after 5pm (YES that late!) we went home (which was good because I was so worried I would be spending the weekend in the hospital). The rest of the weekend and week (since I had to stay home) and that following weekend, I was confined (yet again!) to the bed, with my leg up and taking MORE medicines for the pain. Downside, I had to move downstairs to my mom's room and she moved up to my old room so that was a mess with bringing stuff down. Upside: I finally got JONAS season 1. LOL.

I guess being that I was sick and maybe the medicines was making me crazy, I decided that I needed to talk to Guillermo. I went ahead and sent him a text, saying once I feel better we should go and talk about what happened. See, after sending the email I was upset and hurt about what he said but I wasn't thinking straight because right after was the "crazy boyfriend stalking an employee" situation and within a hour the building was evacuated. After the fact, however, I reread the email and realized what I put wasn't true. I felt bad because I didn't want Guillermo to think I regret everything we did because the only thing I regret was not telling him sooner how I felt. So, while laying in bed and doing nothing (my mom left to do something and I wanted something to eat but since I couldn't get up, I had to wait until someone came home to help. Sad huh?) I texted him and it took him a whole FREAKIN' day to reply back. Long story short: the 3 month anniversary of our breakup turned out to be a semi hopeful one because we are going to try out being friends (again) but once I feel better and won't use a walking cane to smack him (LOL. That was Guillermo's condition). One thing that touched me was how he said he wishes he could give me what I wanted and he feels the same way that I do. Maybe that's a good sign? No, no I'm not going to spend my time thinking about this. I did what I had to do and now he has to do something. :)

Finally, I am back at work and of course I have work waiting for me. LOL.
That crazy guy Tommy is moving to Wisconsin to be with this girl he's been in love with for ever and they have more drama than Guillermo and me. LOL. Who knew! Thank god he's leaving because I realized, yes I cut him out after the breakup but he keeps reminding me how HE felt. OMFG! Get over it (plus I apologized AND explained that it wasn't just him it was everyone).
Robert, after getting thrown out by my tia (which is HIS fault because of his attitude), and I are not speaking to each other especially after the Guillermo thing.

Oh and I got my ABSOULTE, FAVORITE MOVIE of ALL TIME:: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU!!! *squeal*

I'm back!

It's been over 2 weeks since I have posted anything and about a week and a half since I have been at work so....it's time to add another post. LOL.

BIG NEWS! So disappointed in myself. I went back on FACEBOOK!! YIKES!! I didn't plan to, but since I didn't get an invite to a party that a sister always has, I went back on to check and there was the invite in my inbox. Then people started messaging me and yada...yada..yada I'm back on. DIFFERENCE: I blocked ALL the games that I used to play (because that's why I was so addicted) AND not posting as often as before. Nope. I'm not falling into that hole that is "addictive to facebook and can't do anything without updating my status every 2 minutes". That's Twitter and I will continue using Twitter.

So, Facebook is completely changed...again! The homepage where you see all the status updates and stuff from your friends is completely redone, the bookmarks from the bottom of the page is on the side with your messenger...it just looks weird and confusing. Yes I have no willpower but I lasted this long without facebook so I am proud. lol

On to the Guillermo note: I think being off work for a week and being sick with the flu really snapped me back to my pre-Guillermo self. First, I couldn't remember who was this guy I had a picture of on my IPOD (I had a high fever so I was very dillusional), then I remembered him but didn't know the details of how well I knew him (fever going down) and then finally remembering the break up. Now I am happy and, in a way, like Bella after she gets threatened to be sent back to Florida with her mom. Except I am not hopping on bikes with strange men and riding motocycles or cliff diving----unless there was a Jake around and then HELL YEAH! LOL. Anyway, short story: I am back to my happy, men-free self.

"Pushin' me away every last word every single thing you say"

Today is 2 months that I broke up with Guillermo and how do I feel after 2 months? Horrible!

Instead of celebrating this day curled up in the Bella position, I am here at work trying to be productive. Actually for a WHOLE week I was fine: no moaping, no crying (even if I could cry), NOTHING. Then I thought: is that bad of me to move on after a month and a half? How could I go on like nothing ever happened? Then I went back to being sad and depressed again. One would think after what Guillermo texted me I would just forget him, but of course not me. Like what he would tell me when I would start with the relationship issue: I always over think things. That's gonna be my new motto for 2010 (or until I give up because I can't just stick to something lol): just roll with it. Let's see how long that lasts..LOL!

Anyway, that surprise that Robert had for me last weekend? Nope it wasn't Guillermo (and of course I let Robert have it by smacking him with my Cathedral sweater) but Ruben got me a set of Star Wars pens with the crazy hair on top. Very cute and of course I couldn't break the family's heart by saying I gave up Star Wars after the break up so I took them and now use them at work when I'm bored. Robert gave me his favorite Salesian sweatshirt for me to have (finally after how many years we'd been out of high school! lol). Of course it's hella huge on me, but at least I got one now. FYI: Will's not happy about the sweatshirt now. Oh wells!

Oh and I have officially became those single guys that bring a child to a park and pick up women! Like that commerical with the guys borrowing puppies to pick up girls (my favorite part is the guy with the cute pug and he says the pug's his first mate....AWWW....fyi any guy that has a pup with him has won my heart!) So last night in the freezing cold I took Matty to his basketball practice. While sitting down, this guy (obliviously a parent because he's always there with his son) starts talking to me about Matty! Mind you, this guy NEVER talks to me since basketball season started. We talked for a little until he got tired and went to his chair (he has a broken leg). I told my mom that night that I have officially became a "pimp" because of Matty.

Oh and another Guillermo-related issue: I was watching the Closer on DVD (that has became my favorite show since we don't have cable anymore) and Fritz proposes to Brenda while they were at the doctor. He takes out the tiny box (light blue with white ribbon around it) and gives her the ring. OMG! Major moment for me!! I even tweeted about that part: If Guillermo comes back and gives me some sort of jewelry (not an engagement ring of course) I want him to pull out a box like that. If I get engaged, I want the box like that (even the bag it came in was light blue!)

Vikings game..YAY!

So the Vikings are playing for the spot in the Superbowl: this is the most excitment we had in the house in ages.  We NEVER watch football as much as this season because of my mom's team---the Vikings and Bret Favre.  The last 2 Sundays my mom has put on little football parties at home (of course it's just us but still it's fun) for the games.  Today I get to wear a Bret Favre jersey :)

So Robert texts me last night, saying that I need to go over to their house today because "someone has a surprise for you" but he won't tell me anything about it.   Then the crazy thinking starts, which keeps me up all night and now it's making me sick with curiousity.  Could Robert, the brother I never had but feels like a brother to me, really have done something so spectacular, so nice, for me?  Could he really have done that?......I really need to stop doing this to myself every time someone tries to be nice.  Of course I already tramatized my cousin and godson into believing there's no such thing as "soul mates" and "true love" the other day (but I was sick so I wasn't thinking straight), but of course there's that small part of me that really is holding out hope about it (see how I'm not even acknowledging the situation...I'm trying to keep some sanity in my life).

Maybe I'm not truly over the whole thing.  I would think I'm 50/50 over it because I can be fine, moving on and doing things but then something will happen (a memory, song, or anything that reminds me) and I'm a mess again.  On Thursday it will be 2 months and I know there's a bet going on in the family to see how long I will get over the break up but I'm hoping by the 3rd month I will be my old, happy self again.

After watching Season 2 of "Dawson's Creek"...

Yes I do have a season of Dawson's Creek and of course it had to be the season when Dawson and Joey had their first kiss. I spent this weekend watching the season and, in a way, it helped me deal with my breakup. Of course I was yelling at my tv when Dawson decides to give Joey time to figure out what she needs instead of fighting for her (which I've been saying this whole time about Guillermo! I twittered and Myspaced it at that point!) but after watching how life became so much easier for them I started thinking about my life.

Sure I could spend every waking moment like Bella and crying for every little thing that reminds me of Guillermo and me, but doing all that won't make things better between us. He made his choice and (possibly) heartbreaking for him as it (might) have been, he gave me my space and time to figure out my feelings. I made my choice by sending him that email asking for time away so now I have to deal with it. Would I love to see him again? Of course! Would I love for things to be the same? OF COURSE! Truth is, things won't be the same for us if we do get back together and, unlike Joey and Dawson who were able to be friends after the fact, we can't go back to just being friends.

Like what Carilly said, it could be true later on we could get back together or I might meet someone with more common interests. My mom said the exact same thing when I told her about the official breakup. Of course she also said I spent money on a present that is now floating in the trunk but there are other people that like Nemo. Maybe I'll mail it to Katie and attach a note "This was for my ex boyfriend but since we are not together anymore you can have it." LOL.

I am feeling better now and I wonder if that's a good thing. It's been over a month and a half since the first breakup (next week would be 2 months) and I don't know if I should still be grieving. I think I reached my crying limit last month because when I feel like crying, I can't cry. I think hearing Guillermo (actually reading his text) put the stake in the vampire's heart (I am listening to the new BSB song "Straight through my heart" and it's a vampire video) and is helping me to move on. I think I have officially passed the breakup depression mood and now I can really go back to life pre-Guillermo.

ps: I have FINALLY found inspiration for writing my graduate essay.

Well...ain't I a smart girl?

I broke and I texted Guillermo last night. That was a big mistake but it was heartbreaking at the same time. He tells me "Sometimes it's best not to see someone that you really care about." At that point, I broke down and cried because I knew truly I messed up a somewhat good thing. What if I messed up a chance to be happy? What if Guillermo would have made things official between us? I truly think now I am alone because I feel this is the end of us. No amount of Christmas/Birthday/New Year miracles or wishes will help me because Guillermo gave me what I wanted...because he loved me.

In between feeling ever so depressed, I'm trying to write an essay for grad school. Yes! I'm trying to get in CSULA by a loophole (which is the program will accept unofficial transcripts). Only problem is I can't write the essay for the life of me! I realized before the text I might have lost my ability to write. Duh I can still write but before (especially during the Guillermo times) I can start writing about any little thing that comes to mind. Now, I can barely write this blog! I think Guillermo was my reason for writing and now that I lost him, I also lost my creative writing spark.

In between Guillermo and writer's block, we just had a meeting at work. To make things easier for everyone, they are re-consolidating the two departments back to one big department again. So everyone in the Billing group (technically we are a group because it's so small) is whispering to each other about what will happen to us. I'm wondering too, especially since I have PILES of field check information to enter into the computer PLUS more research requests that came in before the meeting. YIKES!

So to recap:
1. Guillermo's way of showing me he truly loved me is giving me what I wanted: a break up
2. I can't write if my life depended on it.
3. I might lose my current job and go back to being just an operator.
4. Just as I hate Star Wars, I might be heading to not like Twilight or the series because I started liking the series when I started dating Guillermo.

In other news...

I finally set up the email so I can email my rants while "pretending" to work. LOL.
So yesterday I came back to work after being off for a week (my mom was sick so I was the one to stay and take care of her.) and surprising I found I was feeling better...HERE...AT WORK! That's really scary for two reasons:

1. I enjoy the TONS of emails that I get everyday (even when I'm not here) for research requests
2. the STACKS of papers that I have to input into the computer (which is what I'm supposed to be doing right now...heheh)

I don't know if I made work my escape from my personal life. Maybe I did because I was spending so much time at home (which is not that great as it is) in the Bella position (I gave up calling it the Bella curled up in a ball in the woods because after the 2nd week of doing that, everyone knows what it is.) Anyway, I found myself just now doodling and like what I used to do in school I start handwriting (or what Mrs Sanchez called it "cursive") my full name. THEN I suddenly looked and I also wrote Guillermo's full name too under my name. At least I didn't start writing my name with his last name because I might have screamed and everyone here at work would have thought I was crazy. LOL.

So today is Dia de los Reyes: Three Kings Day and I think the official date when the Christmas season is over. It's been a while since I took a religion class so I'm rusty on the whole Catholic rules and stuff (and now my grandma's rolling in her grave). Apparently the new year brings more family celebrations because after work my mom and I are going to my tia's house to do the traditional cutting of the rosco (cake) and find out who gets the baby. Yes, tradition goes that a baby is put into the cake and whoever gets the baby has to throw a party in March. Of course in these times, a party will just be a nice dinner. Let's hope I don't get the baby because I can't cook or have the funds to have a dinner. LOL.

New post of 2010..YAY!

I wanted to post something right at midnight but instead I went out for a small family party.  Of course we have cousins that like to party till the wee hours of the morning and the fact that I was sleeping on the couch at 2:30am didn't give them the hint to leave. LOL.

So I get there and the family's there, along with a friend that I never met before.  Immediate reaction: Robert's setting me up with this guy. I'm gonna kill him. That's me jumping the gun of course but luckily it wasn't and it was a good thing too. That guy didn't even talk to me that whole night.  Thank goodness he left to another party because he was just weird. 

I had made a promise (more like the New Years resolution that everyone makes at midnight but never keep) that the new year I wouldn't continue on my depression and just live pre-Guillermo.  Did I do that? Of course not! New Year's Day, I spent a good hour (plus I was too lazy and tired to go upstairs and see if anyone was awake.  I had spent the night at my tia's house) curled up in the Bella position until Robert (my uncle and the only one besides Carilly that knows what really happened) literally pulled me out of bed (plus my dad and stepmother were coming over with food and if they saw me like that I would have to go through all the questions). 

Before I was viciously pulled out of bed, I laid there crying (yet again) and wondered if I should text him back.  I didn't of course but I've been so tempted to text him, hoping he will say something that will give me hope he's miserable too but he's a guy and guys don't care if they don't have a certain girl with them.  They can go out and find other girls to fill a void, unlike me who can't do that because it's wrong.

This morning I had a dream and thinking about it, maybe it's a sign that things are going to get better.  It was at nighttime and I don't know if we were at the Pier or on the beach or where exactly, but there were lights (like we were at a carnival or something. That's why I thought it was at the Pier).  I was crying and telling Guillermo how much I've missed him, as my friend, and how everything was not the same because I knew I lost him.  He was crying too and he said he felt the same way too, that he was missing a part of him and then pulled me in and kissed me.  It wasn't like any regular kiss, but it was the way he kissed me the night we went to Pershing Square.  That's when I woke up because I could feel the tears starting up. 

I had said this year was going to be different, but so far I'm still the same like last year. Now I just realized that for the next 5 months (February-June) there would be no chance for any type of reconciliation because those months are prom season and Guillermo's gonna be working so much.  In a way, I hope something will happen this month but maybe this has to happen so we can completely move on from each other.