After pulling myself semi together for work (I cried from his house to home and all night and all the way to work), I wrote my official break up letter to Guillermo. Many corrections had to be made but this is it for me. Being with Guillermo for over a year takes a toll on one, especially with everything we been through. Yes it was unconventional, untraditional, un-whatever but quoting Jon and Kate Gosselin: "it's our life" Just like the show, I am calling it quits with Guillermo--not just because for my sanity or because he can't give me what I want (an official relationship), but because I don't want him to feel bad every time he hurts me (if he does).
I thought I would be fine with the reason you gave me but I'm not. You gave up even before we tried, as if you didn't want to try. You know how I feel about you and maybe I should have said those little words but I didn't want to scare you either. I can't be constantly coming over, "playing" around and not feel anything. Maybe WE (yes because it was my fault too) should have not kissed that first night a year ago. Actually I wished WE never did that, then things wouldn't be the way they are now. You said for me not to think about it, just go with it, but one of us has to think of reason and that is me.
I don't want to, but if it will help stop the crying then I have to suck it up and do it. Guillermo, I can't do this anymore. I can't be the one night and while I'm not fooling around with other guys, you're doing that with other girls. I can't see you anymore.
We can't be friends because we lost that too and you know it. We tried to be just friends but it's not there anymore. I'm sorry and I should have told you this last night but, like you knew, I was holding back the tears. 1 thing I promised myself I wouldn't do in any situation was to cry in front of a guy and I knew if I started to say this, I would have cried.
I will always remember the good times we had, but most importantly I will always miss you. You will be my first Jacob AND Edward.
One more thing... I love you.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My 2nd crazy dream
For Thanksgiving I was going to give up writing about Guillermo because I realized it was getting too depressing, but I have one more to write and then I'm done. LOL.
So the dream started with me at home, getting ready to have dinner with the family. My phone rings with his ringtone (7 Things by Miley Cyrus---one of Guillermo's favorite song) and it was him. It was surprising because I hadn't talked to him since Saturday (when things ended kinda bad) and he never calls me on a major holiday. He asked how I was doing and I replied "I'm doing fine." but the only difference was that Guillermo was sounding weird. I called him out on it and finally Guillermo goes, "Jess I want you to come over."
Me: "Sure I'll come over but tomorrow I work till 4:30 and Saturday till 5"
G: "No I mean, come over today, for dinner."
Me: "Really? but I'm about to have dinner with my family"
G: "Oh and bring your mom too. My parents want to meet her too."
Me: "You're serious?"
G: "Yes"
Me: "This is so last minute. I have to change and see what's open so I can buy a pie or something to take over."
G: "Don't worry about that. As long as you're here, you don't have to worry about bringing anything else."
Me: "Okay"
So I tell my mom, we get ready after dinner and about 5ish we arrive at Guillermo's house. Apparently I had a black dress in my closet because that's what I was wearing. We go inside and do all the introductions and then go into the dinning room and start eating. It was kinda ackward at first until his mom starts throwing signs at Guillermo. I nudge him that his mom was calling him and once looking at his mom, Guillermo starts.
G: "You look really nice today Jess."
Me: "You look nice too Guillermo. Completely different from how I'm used to seeing you"
Suddenly, Guillermo gets up and runs to his room. We look at each other (his parents, my mom and me) until he comes back.
G: *standing up and looks at my mom* "Martha, as you know, Jess and I have been dating for over a year now...*I gasp because he remembers how long we were going out. Oblivious reason this is a dream: Guillermo doesn't remember ANYTHING about us*.....We had our ups and downs, like any couple, and recently we are at our down point. As with everyone else, I know no matter what we will get back up again.
*looks at me and holds my hand* Jess, these past 3 days have been the most eye opening days for me. I realized now that you had every reason to be upset and jealous. You weren't angry I went out with friends, but were angry at the fact I went out with other girls because I gave you the idea I was fooling around with them. I just want you to know, I never fooled around with ANY girl when I'm already with a girl. I'm sorry I ever gave you that thought and I hope you can forgive me.
*pulls out a box* I was going to wait till your birthday but I think this is a good time. *opens it to show his college ring* Jessica, I promise to never give you any reason to not trust me. I promise to always be there for you, through good times and bad. I promise to talk to you through any means at least once a day. I promise I will be a one girl man. Most importantly, I promise when the time is right and we are both in a position to take the next step, I will take this ring and get you an engagement ring. Jess, will you accept my promise?
Me: *starts to cry* You mean? ... a Promise ring?
G: *starts to cry too* Yes. I realized you are the right girl for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Yes Guillermo, yes yes a thousand times yes. I feel the same way about you. You've always been my Edward.
G: I know. As you have always been my Bella.
**That's when I woke up because Guillermo would NEVER say that to me, let alone read a Twilight book.**
So the dream started with me at home, getting ready to have dinner with the family. My phone rings with his ringtone (7 Things by Miley Cyrus---one of Guillermo's favorite song) and it was him. It was surprising because I hadn't talked to him since Saturday (when things ended kinda bad) and he never calls me on a major holiday. He asked how I was doing and I replied "I'm doing fine." but the only difference was that Guillermo was sounding weird. I called him out on it and finally Guillermo goes, "Jess I want you to come over."
Me: "Sure I'll come over but tomorrow I work till 4:30 and Saturday till 5"
G: "No I mean, come over today, for dinner."
Me: "Really? but I'm about to have dinner with my family"
G: "Oh and bring your mom too. My parents want to meet her too."
Me: "You're serious?"
G: "Yes"
Me: "This is so last minute. I have to change and see what's open so I can buy a pie or something to take over."
G: "Don't worry about that. As long as you're here, you don't have to worry about bringing anything else."
Me: "Okay"
So I tell my mom, we get ready after dinner and about 5ish we arrive at Guillermo's house. Apparently I had a black dress in my closet because that's what I was wearing. We go inside and do all the introductions and then go into the dinning room and start eating. It was kinda ackward at first until his mom starts throwing signs at Guillermo. I nudge him that his mom was calling him and once looking at his mom, Guillermo starts.
G: "You look really nice today Jess."
Me: "You look nice too Guillermo. Completely different from how I'm used to seeing you"
Suddenly, Guillermo gets up and runs to his room. We look at each other (his parents, my mom and me) until he comes back.
G: *standing up and looks at my mom* "Martha, as you know, Jess and I have been dating for over a year now...*I gasp because he remembers how long we were going out. Oblivious reason this is a dream: Guillermo doesn't remember ANYTHING about us*.....We had our ups and downs, like any couple, and recently we are at our down point. As with everyone else, I know no matter what we will get back up again.
*looks at me and holds my hand* Jess, these past 3 days have been the most eye opening days for me. I realized now that you had every reason to be upset and jealous. You weren't angry I went out with friends, but were angry at the fact I went out with other girls because I gave you the idea I was fooling around with them. I just want you to know, I never fooled around with ANY girl when I'm already with a girl. I'm sorry I ever gave you that thought and I hope you can forgive me.
*pulls out a box* I was going to wait till your birthday but I think this is a good time. *opens it to show his college ring* Jessica, I promise to never give you any reason to not trust me. I promise to always be there for you, through good times and bad. I promise to talk to you through any means at least once a day. I promise I will be a one girl man. Most importantly, I promise when the time is right and we are both in a position to take the next step, I will take this ring and get you an engagement ring. Jess, will you accept my promise?
Me: *starts to cry* You mean? ... a Promise ring?
G: *starts to cry too* Yes. I realized you are the right girl for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Yes Guillermo, yes yes a thousand times yes. I feel the same way about you. You've always been my Edward.
G: I know. As you have always been my Bella.
**That's when I woke up because Guillermo would NEVER say that to me, let alone read a Twilight book.**
Saturday, November 21, 2009
as I watch "Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End....
I just realized (as if my last blog didn't explain it that well) I am:
1. Jealous
2. Hurt
3. Betrayed
4. Depressed
It's 8:40pm and I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and usually I take a nap if I'm not feeling good. I sat up, checked my leg (since my leg is the first sign I'm sick---that's where I have my blood clots. YES, more than 1) and it was okay. I checked to see if I had a fever (on my tummy) and nothing. I get up and turned back on my computer and that's when it hit me. Guillermo was online but there was no message or text from him. AT ALL.
I realized that I am in that "break up" mode: depressed, sad, crying every time I think of him. Ali mentioned when she broke up with her first boyfriend, she couldn't stop eating while her friend stopped eating. I thought I was going to be the non-eating friend but apparently I'm Ali.
I definitely need to find me a Jake somewhere to help me get over Guillermo. I thought this Mike that I met would be the one, but talking on the phone we didn't click. Now I am back to square 1 and feeling like this. Hopefully this will change soon.
1. Jealous
2. Hurt
3. Betrayed
4. Depressed
It's 8:40pm and I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and usually I take a nap if I'm not feeling good. I sat up, checked my leg (since my leg is the first sign I'm sick---that's where I have my blood clots. YES, more than 1) and it was okay. I checked to see if I had a fever (on my tummy) and nothing. I get up and turned back on my computer and that's when it hit me. Guillermo was online but there was no message or text from him. AT ALL.
I realized that I am in that "break up" mode: depressed, sad, crying every time I think of him. Ali mentioned when she broke up with her first boyfriend, she couldn't stop eating while her friend stopped eating. I thought I was going to be the non-eating friend but apparently I'm Ali.
I definitely need to find me a Jake somewhere to help me get over Guillermo. I thought this Mike that I met would be the one, but talking on the phone we didn't click. Now I am back to square 1 and feeling like this. Hopefully this will change soon.
New Moon revelations
I was so planning on going to see New Moon at midnight Thursday but 2 things happened:
1. Matty wanted to go
2. Once we convinced him to stay behind, the tickets were sold out.
Ruben, my dad, even surprised me to get tickets to take me but he too couldn't find any. That really shows me he's stepping up, though it's 18 years too late but at least he's trying.
Revelations:
1. No matter how much I try, Guillermo will NEVER be Edward to me. Yes when we first met and went out and had our first kiss, it was love but he's just not like Edward.
Will Guillermo give up his life for me? He said he would but then started if the attack wasn't lifethreatening he wouldn't so NO.
Will Guillermo protect me from harm? *refer to above answer*
Will Guillermo basically be as romantic and loving as Edward? HELL NO! *
**Except that one night before he left to Denver. Maybe because he wanted to get some but for those 3 hours before the fact, Guillermo was a different guy. He was the guy I loved and wanted. We went to Pershing Square in Downtown and he was holding me duirng the movie. Then we went to the Pier and things were so perfect. We were holding hands, he put his arms around me, and every few minutes he would pull me in and sneak kisses. That was one of the best dates we had in over a year, but when he came back from Denver, that Guillermo that I loved was gone. :(
Anyway, watching New Moon made me realize:
1. If you have an Edward relationship, he's gonna hurt you and leave you in the forest huddled in the fetual position.
2. If you have a Jake friend, stick with him because no matter what, he won't hurt you.
It's been 2 weeks since I've seen Guillermo and in a way, I'm like Bella. Hopefully I'll find that Jake and if someone comes that Guillermo went to Italy to ask the Voultri to kill him, I will just offer my sympanthy and move on with Jake.
1. Matty wanted to go
2. Once we convinced him to stay behind, the tickets were sold out.
Ruben, my dad, even surprised me to get tickets to take me but he too couldn't find any. That really shows me he's stepping up, though it's 18 years too late but at least he's trying.
Revelations:
1. No matter how much I try, Guillermo will NEVER be Edward to me. Yes when we first met and went out and had our first kiss, it was love but he's just not like Edward.
Will Guillermo give up his life for me? He said he would but then started if the attack wasn't lifethreatening he wouldn't so NO.
Will Guillermo protect me from harm? *refer to above answer*
Will Guillermo basically be as romantic and loving as Edward? HELL NO! *
**Except that one night before he left to Denver. Maybe because he wanted to get some but for those 3 hours before the fact, Guillermo was a different guy. He was the guy I loved and wanted. We went to Pershing Square in Downtown and he was holding me duirng the movie. Then we went to the Pier and things were so perfect. We were holding hands, he put his arms around me, and every few minutes he would pull me in and sneak kisses. That was one of the best dates we had in over a year, but when he came back from Denver, that Guillermo that I loved was gone. :(
Anyway, watching New Moon made me realize:
1. If you have an Edward relationship, he's gonna hurt you and leave you in the forest huddled in the fetual position.
2. If you have a Jake friend, stick with him because no matter what, he won't hurt you.
It's been 2 weeks since I've seen Guillermo and in a way, I'm like Bella. Hopefully I'll find that Jake and if someone comes that Guillermo went to Italy to ask the Voultri to kill him, I will just offer my sympanthy and move on with Jake.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Day 2
So today was the first day that I get back on the phone. Grr..that was the reason why I "agreed" to leave the basic Call Center and go to Billing Dept. Supposedly they want us ready for Friday (YES! I have to work the day after Thanksgiving AND Saturday after Thanksgiving) but I know they will keep us on the phones till the day I leave. Grr... back to the crazy people.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
New Moon---Sonny and Chad
In honor of "New Moon" coming out Friday, I figure I'll title my next entry like that (plus I did this on MySpace).
Courtship of Guillermo and me went for about 3 months after we were "dating." He never wanted to call it that, well he never said that but just if I teased about it he would go, "it's not a date, just hanging out." Anyway, after the first kiss, things were going good. We had our first "boyfriend/girlfriend" action in the backseat of the car (my Escape was baptised that night) and things kinda looked like it was heading in a good direction.
I got some Ducks tickets from my mom's friend and invited Guillermo to come with me, since he seemed to like hockey. We had such a good time (and found my new favorite sport by the way!) and then after almost killing ourselves on the freeway (stupid TomTom told me to get off on a wrong exit and inches away from hitting a pole) we headed back to his house to play the Wii. Well, we did play but not with the Wii and that was the first intimate moment we had together. I guess it freaked Guillermo out because after that, he wanted to take a break. 2 days later was Carilly's house warming party and he was supposed to go with me (and be questioned and checked by my bestie) so when he texted me that we should go on a break, it devestated me. This break, meant to be a week tops, ended up being over a month and it hurt me so. I knew after the break things were going to change and I had started to like the romantic side of Guillermo.
During this break, Clint calls me and we talked for hours about everything. He had hooked up with this other girl that was closer to him but wasn't completely there. It seemed like everyone in her family was either messed up, sick, or dying and it may seem kinda mean but Inara really needed some help. I knew she was overly demanding and always scolding Clint for things but being a good friend, I didn't want to say anything. This night that we talked, I told him everything and how I felt about the match. He agreed and one thing lead to another and we got back together. Just like me, Clint always thought of me and never stopped loving me after the fact and we decided to give it another chance.
Clint and me lasted about 3 and a half months, in between Guillermo coming back again. Guillermo and me, at first, just tried to keep things simple but after a couple of weeks he threw in the towel and started acting romantic with me again. Clint never knew about this and of course I felt guilty about "cheating" on Clint, but in the back of my mind I knew the long distance relationship would never work. Eventually, Clint dropped out of my life again and though I tried calling, texting, emailing, and YIMing him Clint was gone for good and I eventually gave up on him.
Guillermo and me, however, moved up on our "relationship" and to this day I always tell people our relationship has 2 sides: unofficially we are a couple, but officially we are still in the friends stage. Do I want to be more than friends? Of course I do and there were times I wanted to tell him or have that serious conversation with Guillermo but when I try to start it, I freak out.
June 26th will always be our anniversary date: that was when Guillermo and I went on our first date to the Disney Ice Cream Parlor. Even though Guillermo will never remember it on his own, I will always hold that in my heart because that's when I took that chance and went out with a guy.
Courtship of Guillermo and me went for about 3 months after we were "dating." He never wanted to call it that, well he never said that but just if I teased about it he would go, "it's not a date, just hanging out." Anyway, after the first kiss, things were going good. We had our first "boyfriend/girlfriend" action in the backseat of the car (my Escape was baptised that night) and things kinda looked like it was heading in a good direction.
I got some Ducks tickets from my mom's friend and invited Guillermo to come with me, since he seemed to like hockey. We had such a good time (and found my new favorite sport by the way!) and then after almost killing ourselves on the freeway (stupid TomTom told me to get off on a wrong exit and inches away from hitting a pole) we headed back to his house to play the Wii. Well, we did play but not with the Wii and that was the first intimate moment we had together. I guess it freaked Guillermo out because after that, he wanted to take a break. 2 days later was Carilly's house warming party and he was supposed to go with me (and be questioned and checked by my bestie) so when he texted me that we should go on a break, it devestated me. This break, meant to be a week tops, ended up being over a month and it hurt me so. I knew after the break things were going to change and I had started to like the romantic side of Guillermo.
During this break, Clint calls me and we talked for hours about everything. He had hooked up with this other girl that was closer to him but wasn't completely there. It seemed like everyone in her family was either messed up, sick, or dying and it may seem kinda mean but Inara really needed some help. I knew she was overly demanding and always scolding Clint for things but being a good friend, I didn't want to say anything. This night that we talked, I told him everything and how I felt about the match. He agreed and one thing lead to another and we got back together. Just like me, Clint always thought of me and never stopped loving me after the fact and we decided to give it another chance.
Clint and me lasted about 3 and a half months, in between Guillermo coming back again. Guillermo and me, at first, just tried to keep things simple but after a couple of weeks he threw in the towel and started acting romantic with me again. Clint never knew about this and of course I felt guilty about "cheating" on Clint, but in the back of my mind I knew the long distance relationship would never work. Eventually, Clint dropped out of my life again and though I tried calling, texting, emailing, and YIMing him Clint was gone for good and I eventually gave up on him.
Guillermo and me, however, moved up on our "relationship" and to this day I always tell people our relationship has 2 sides: unofficially we are a couple, but officially we are still in the friends stage. Do I want to be more than friends? Of course I do and there were times I wanted to tell him or have that serious conversation with Guillermo but when I try to start it, I freak out.
June 26th will always be our anniversary date: that was when Guillermo and I went on our first date to the Disney Ice Cream Parlor. Even though Guillermo will never remember it on his own, I will always hold that in my heart because that's when I took that chance and went out with a guy.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Day 1
So I just found out Guillermo went out with another girl yesterday. Jealous? I think I am because finding that old LA Zoo was OUR thing and he goes and takes this girl (friend or another G Gurl) with him. Yes I unofficially broke up with Guillermo but officially... I guess I'm hoping for a holiday miracle -again.
Thinking about it, yes I am jealous. I hate that I feel like this because a guy goes out with another girl. Yes I overreacted last time Guillermo went out with another girl friend and YES I freaked out (just a tad because I was driving) when he said he kissed her (supposedly on the cheek but it's Guillermo.) but I was able to just relax and forget about it. Plus the fact I blurted out that I still had feelings for him helped too. Now, I'm just overly upset and hurt that he took this girl and didn't bother to call me instead. Who knows what they did (if any but I'll say it again, it's Guillermo) and how close they are (if they are just friends or friends with benefits or what).
The fact is, no matter how much I try to fight it or how much crazy stuff I do (or in the process of doing--trust me, I'm like Bella in "New Moon" doing all those crazy stuff to hear Edward's voice), Guillermo will always be that one guy for me. Sadly, I will always love him because he was my first real love (crazy for me to say that, but compared to Juan and Clint and Mike/Gus, Guillermo really is my first everything.).
(I thought posting via SMS on my phone would work but I don't like how it comes out. Instead, I will do simple, small posts and when I get home, will copy and paste into a "normal" 1-post).
Thinking about it, yes I am jealous. I hate that I feel like this because a guy goes out with another girl. Yes I overreacted last time Guillermo went out with another girl friend and YES I freaked out (just a tad because I was driving) when he said he kissed her (supposedly on the cheek but it's Guillermo.) but I was able to just relax and forget about it. Plus the fact I blurted out that I still had feelings for him helped too. Now, I'm just overly upset and hurt that he took this girl and didn't bother to call me instead. Who knows what they did (if any but I'll say it again, it's Guillermo) and how close they are (if they are just friends or friends with benefits or what).
The fact is, no matter how much I try to fight it or how much crazy stuff I do (or in the process of doing--trust me, I'm like Bella in "New Moon" doing all those crazy stuff to hear Edward's voice), Guillermo will always be that one guy for me. Sadly, I will always love him because he was my first real love (crazy for me to say that, but compared to Juan and Clint and Mike/Gus, Guillermo really is my first everything.).
(I thought posting via SMS on my phone would work but I don't like how it comes out. Instead, I will do simple, small posts and when I get home, will copy and paste into a "normal" 1-post).
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Twilight
**I did this on MySpace but I figured to add more to the story.**
So I met this guy, actually met 2 guys, on the Star Wars site last year. Both were pretty nice, but 1 major flaw: one lives in Maryland (yikes!) and the other one lives here in Southern California.
I go out with Guillermo (the one that lives here) and we have a perfect time together: going to the Getty Center (we hiked up and of course since I hadn't done any sort of hiking before, I was very tired.) and dinner at Johnny Rockets. It seemed like the perfect friendship (we were so compatible and I felt so comfortable around him it was scary.) until our 4th date came around.
Why the "Twilight" title? Because at that moment, under the starry night at LAX (actually Guillermo called it "our spot" because apparently that's where his brother used to go make out with girls. Didn't find that out until after the fact) I had my first real, passionate kiss with him. At that moment, I fell madly in love with Guillermo. Everything after that changed and every moment didn't go by that I didn't think about him.
What about Maryland guy? We did hook up but because Clint knew about my outings with Guillermo, he broke up with me so I can try things with Guillermo. Little did Clint know, things weren't going to work out because Guillermo didn't want to commit.
So I met this guy, actually met 2 guys, on the Star Wars site last year. Both were pretty nice, but 1 major flaw: one lives in Maryland (yikes!) and the other one lives here in Southern California.
I go out with Guillermo (the one that lives here) and we have a perfect time together: going to the Getty Center (we hiked up and of course since I hadn't done any sort of hiking before, I was very tired.) and dinner at Johnny Rockets. It seemed like the perfect friendship (we were so compatible and I felt so comfortable around him it was scary.) until our 4th date came around.
Why the "Twilight" title? Because at that moment, under the starry night at LAX (actually Guillermo called it "our spot" because apparently that's where his brother used to go make out with girls. Didn't find that out until after the fact) I had my first real, passionate kiss with him. At that moment, I fell madly in love with Guillermo. Everything after that changed and every moment didn't go by that I didn't think about him.
What about Maryland guy? We did hook up but because Clint knew about my outings with Guillermo, he broke up with me so I can try things with Guillermo. Little did Clint know, things weren't going to work out because Guillermo didn't want to commit.
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