"Pushin' me away every last word every single thing you say"

Today is 2 months that I broke up with Guillermo and how do I feel after 2 months? Horrible!

Instead of celebrating this day curled up in the Bella position, I am here at work trying to be productive. Actually for a WHOLE week I was fine: no moaping, no crying (even if I could cry), NOTHING. Then I thought: is that bad of me to move on after a month and a half? How could I go on like nothing ever happened? Then I went back to being sad and depressed again. One would think after what Guillermo texted me I would just forget him, but of course not me. Like what he would tell me when I would start with the relationship issue: I always over think things. That's gonna be my new motto for 2010 (or until I give up because I can't just stick to something lol): just roll with it. Let's see how long that lasts..LOL!

Anyway, that surprise that Robert had for me last weekend? Nope it wasn't Guillermo (and of course I let Robert have it by smacking him with my Cathedral sweater) but Ruben got me a set of Star Wars pens with the crazy hair on top. Very cute and of course I couldn't break the family's heart by saying I gave up Star Wars after the break up so I took them and now use them at work when I'm bored. Robert gave me his favorite Salesian sweatshirt for me to have (finally after how many years we'd been out of high school! lol). Of course it's hella huge on me, but at least I got one now. FYI: Will's not happy about the sweatshirt now. Oh wells!

Oh and I have officially became those single guys that bring a child to a park and pick up women! Like that commerical with the guys borrowing puppies to pick up girls (my favorite part is the guy with the cute pug and he says the pug's his first mate....AWWW....fyi any guy that has a pup with him has won my heart!) So last night in the freezing cold I took Matty to his basketball practice. While sitting down, this guy (obliviously a parent because he's always there with his son) starts talking to me about Matty! Mind you, this guy NEVER talks to me since basketball season started. We talked for a little until he got tired and went to his chair (he has a broken leg). I told my mom that night that I have officially became a "pimp" because of Matty.

Oh and another Guillermo-related issue: I was watching the Closer on DVD (that has became my favorite show since we don't have cable anymore) and Fritz proposes to Brenda while they were at the doctor. He takes out the tiny box (light blue with white ribbon around it) and gives her the ring. OMG! Major moment for me!! I even tweeted about that part: If Guillermo comes back and gives me some sort of jewelry (not an engagement ring of course) I want him to pull out a box like that. If I get engaged, I want the box like that (even the bag it came in was light blue!)

Vikings game..YAY!

So the Vikings are playing for the spot in the Superbowl: this is the most excitment we had in the house in ages.  We NEVER watch football as much as this season because of my mom's team---the Vikings and Bret Favre.  The last 2 Sundays my mom has put on little football parties at home (of course it's just us but still it's fun) for the games.  Today I get to wear a Bret Favre jersey :)

So Robert texts me last night, saying that I need to go over to their house today because "someone has a surprise for you" but he won't tell me anything about it.   Then the crazy thinking starts, which keeps me up all night and now it's making me sick with curiousity.  Could Robert, the brother I never had but feels like a brother to me, really have done something so spectacular, so nice, for me?  Could he really have done that?......I really need to stop doing this to myself every time someone tries to be nice.  Of course I already tramatized my cousin and godson into believing there's no such thing as "soul mates" and "true love" the other day (but I was sick so I wasn't thinking straight), but of course there's that small part of me that really is holding out hope about it (see how I'm not even acknowledging the situation...I'm trying to keep some sanity in my life).

Maybe I'm not truly over the whole thing.  I would think I'm 50/50 over it because I can be fine, moving on and doing things but then something will happen (a memory, song, or anything that reminds me) and I'm a mess again.  On Thursday it will be 2 months and I know there's a bet going on in the family to see how long I will get over the break up but I'm hoping by the 3rd month I will be my old, happy self again.

After watching Season 2 of "Dawson's Creek"...

Yes I do have a season of Dawson's Creek and of course it had to be the season when Dawson and Joey had their first kiss. I spent this weekend watching the season and, in a way, it helped me deal with my breakup. Of course I was yelling at my tv when Dawson decides to give Joey time to figure out what she needs instead of fighting for her (which I've been saying this whole time about Guillermo! I twittered and Myspaced it at that point!) but after watching how life became so much easier for them I started thinking about my life.

Sure I could spend every waking moment like Bella and crying for every little thing that reminds me of Guillermo and me, but doing all that won't make things better between us. He made his choice and (possibly) heartbreaking for him as it (might) have been, he gave me my space and time to figure out my feelings. I made my choice by sending him that email asking for time away so now I have to deal with it. Would I love to see him again? Of course! Would I love for things to be the same? OF COURSE! Truth is, things won't be the same for us if we do get back together and, unlike Joey and Dawson who were able to be friends after the fact, we can't go back to just being friends.

Like what Carilly said, it could be true later on we could get back together or I might meet someone with more common interests. My mom said the exact same thing when I told her about the official breakup. Of course she also said I spent money on a present that is now floating in the trunk but there are other people that like Nemo. Maybe I'll mail it to Katie and attach a note "This was for my ex boyfriend but since we are not together anymore you can have it." LOL.

I am feeling better now and I wonder if that's a good thing. It's been over a month and a half since the first breakup (next week would be 2 months) and I don't know if I should still be grieving. I think I reached my crying limit last month because when I feel like crying, I can't cry. I think hearing Guillermo (actually reading his text) put the stake in the vampire's heart (I am listening to the new BSB song "Straight through my heart" and it's a vampire video) and is helping me to move on. I think I have officially passed the breakup depression mood and now I can really go back to life pre-Guillermo.

ps: I have FINALLY found inspiration for writing my graduate essay.

Well...ain't I a smart girl?

I broke and I texted Guillermo last night. That was a big mistake but it was heartbreaking at the same time. He tells me "Sometimes it's best not to see someone that you really care about." At that point, I broke down and cried because I knew truly I messed up a somewhat good thing. What if I messed up a chance to be happy? What if Guillermo would have made things official between us? I truly think now I am alone because I feel this is the end of us. No amount of Christmas/Birthday/New Year miracles or wishes will help me because Guillermo gave me what I wanted...because he loved me.

In between feeling ever so depressed, I'm trying to write an essay for grad school. Yes! I'm trying to get in CSULA by a loophole (which is the program will accept unofficial transcripts). Only problem is I can't write the essay for the life of me! I realized before the text I might have lost my ability to write. Duh I can still write but before (especially during the Guillermo times) I can start writing about any little thing that comes to mind. Now, I can barely write this blog! I think Guillermo was my reason for writing and now that I lost him, I also lost my creative writing spark.

In between Guillermo and writer's block, we just had a meeting at work. To make things easier for everyone, they are re-consolidating the two departments back to one big department again. So everyone in the Billing group (technically we are a group because it's so small) is whispering to each other about what will happen to us. I'm wondering too, especially since I have PILES of field check information to enter into the computer PLUS more research requests that came in before the meeting. YIKES!

So to recap:
1. Guillermo's way of showing me he truly loved me is giving me what I wanted: a break up
2. I can't write if my life depended on it.
3. I might lose my current job and go back to being just an operator.
4. Just as I hate Star Wars, I might be heading to not like Twilight or the series because I started liking the series when I started dating Guillermo.

In other news...

I finally set up the email so I can email my rants while "pretending" to work. LOL.
So yesterday I came back to work after being off for a week (my mom was sick so I was the one to stay and take care of her.) and surprising I found I was feeling better...HERE...AT WORK! That's really scary for two reasons:

1. I enjoy the TONS of emails that I get everyday (even when I'm not here) for research requests
2. the STACKS of papers that I have to input into the computer (which is what I'm supposed to be doing right now...heheh)

I don't know if I made work my escape from my personal life. Maybe I did because I was spending so much time at home (which is not that great as it is) in the Bella position (I gave up calling it the Bella curled up in a ball in the woods because after the 2nd week of doing that, everyone knows what it is.) Anyway, I found myself just now doodling and like what I used to do in school I start handwriting (or what Mrs Sanchez called it "cursive") my full name. THEN I suddenly looked and I also wrote Guillermo's full name too under my name. At least I didn't start writing my name with his last name because I might have screamed and everyone here at work would have thought I was crazy. LOL.

So today is Dia de los Reyes: Three Kings Day and I think the official date when the Christmas season is over. It's been a while since I took a religion class so I'm rusty on the whole Catholic rules and stuff (and now my grandma's rolling in her grave). Apparently the new year brings more family celebrations because after work my mom and I are going to my tia's house to do the traditional cutting of the rosco (cake) and find out who gets the baby. Yes, tradition goes that a baby is put into the cake and whoever gets the baby has to throw a party in March. Of course in these times, a party will just be a nice dinner. Let's hope I don't get the baby because I can't cook or have the funds to have a dinner. LOL.

New post of 2010..YAY!

I wanted to post something right at midnight but instead I went out for a small family party.  Of course we have cousins that like to party till the wee hours of the morning and the fact that I was sleeping on the couch at 2:30am didn't give them the hint to leave. LOL.

So I get there and the family's there, along with a friend that I never met before.  Immediate reaction: Robert's setting me up with this guy. I'm gonna kill him. That's me jumping the gun of course but luckily it wasn't and it was a good thing too. That guy didn't even talk to me that whole night.  Thank goodness he left to another party because he was just weird. 

I had made a promise (more like the New Years resolution that everyone makes at midnight but never keep) that the new year I wouldn't continue on my depression and just live pre-Guillermo.  Did I do that? Of course not! New Year's Day, I spent a good hour (plus I was too lazy and tired to go upstairs and see if anyone was awake.  I had spent the night at my tia's house) curled up in the Bella position until Robert (my uncle and the only one besides Carilly that knows what really happened) literally pulled me out of bed (plus my dad and stepmother were coming over with food and if they saw me like that I would have to go through all the questions). 

Before I was viciously pulled out of bed, I laid there crying (yet again) and wondered if I should text him back.  I didn't of course but I've been so tempted to text him, hoping he will say something that will give me hope he's miserable too but he's a guy and guys don't care if they don't have a certain girl with them.  They can go out and find other girls to fill a void, unlike me who can't do that because it's wrong.

This morning I had a dream and thinking about it, maybe it's a sign that things are going to get better.  It was at nighttime and I don't know if we were at the Pier or on the beach or where exactly, but there were lights (like we were at a carnival or something. That's why I thought it was at the Pier).  I was crying and telling Guillermo how much I've missed him, as my friend, and how everything was not the same because I knew I lost him.  He was crying too and he said he felt the same way too, that he was missing a part of him and then pulled me in and kissed me.  It wasn't like any regular kiss, but it was the way he kissed me the night we went to Pershing Square.  That's when I woke up because I could feel the tears starting up. 

I had said this year was going to be different, but so far I'm still the same like last year. Now I just realized that for the next 5 months (February-June) there would be no chance for any type of reconciliation because those months are prom season and Guillermo's gonna be working so much.  In a way, I hope something will happen this month but maybe this has to happen so we can completely move on from each other.