Half way point of my 30s

Everything use to be so easy with Marcus. Yes at the time I wanted to be more than just 'friends with benefits but not that kind of benefits' but the way I feel now is more sad. I knew there wouldn't be anything more with him..maybe a hint that he would surprise me but no happily ever after. Right now, I wish I only had that thought. 

It's official: I have completely erased Marcus from my life.  My blogger page has been moved to Google+ and the profile pic has changed.  LOL.


Anyway, I have always thought my life couldn't be complete without Marcus.  Some aspect of my life had to include him in it or else it was nothing.  Now, that person is Ade because I tried to do that and it didn't work.  


Over 7 months have gone by and we have been through the worst of times, something that married couples go through if any.  My health is going and instead of leaving to enjoy life, Ade has stepped up and taken the responsibility of standing by me.  Even to the point of when I get my blood transfusions in the hospital he will be there (against my wishes, pleas and arrests lol).  

A new story

I figure I should try and write about the most happy time in my life.  Comments are always welcomed and needed.  This is the first part of my story. Enjoy!

I do not regret the events that lead me to this time.  It’s the events that lead me to Jake and that is the one thing I will never regret.  It was at my lowest and darkest point in my life and somehow Jake just knew what I needed and wanted.  Whether or not we make it through, I’ll always be thankful for Jake and all he did.  If it wasn’t for him, I would still be miserable and alone.

It was one month after Marcus’s birthday and I had decided to try and gain back my independence from him.  Kim and I called it the ‘Pre-Marcus’ life and I tried everything and it failed.  The NKOTBSB concert I went to with Carilly and Rusti helped until I saw a couple three rows down holding each other during the Backstreet Boys’ romantic ballad.  Getting home that night, I decided to give myself one more week before giving up.  I had already accepted that I would never get married, so might as well accept I won’t be happy either. 

Kim and Carilly always talked me out of my crazy thoughts, but I think after the first ten times they just said things to make me stop.  So I went out and got a third opinion, in the form of my pledge sister Kalli.  We met up for lunch on a Saturday and, before dessert, I brought up my Marcus dilemma. The all important question then came up. ‘Do you love him?’ At that moment, I said ‘yes’ and Kalli told me that’s all that matters.  No one can tell you what to do because ultimately it is my choice.  After we finished dessert and left, I decided on a new course: try and live my life and if Marcus decides to come back, then go back to being with Marcus. 

The other reason I met up with Kalli for lunch was the next day was a sorority day at Disneyland.  Kalli was not going to it because she lives so far away.  Most of the girls were meeting right at 8am and, deciding sleep was more important, I would meet up around 10am.  However, we all were getting t-shirts and not wanting to carry my shirt the rest of the day, I woke up at 7:30am and headed out to the park. 

In between hugging and introducing myself to everyone, behind the crowd I saw him.  It was a short glance and immediately went back to the sisters.  It must have been that quick glance because, from Jake’s version, that was all it took for Jake to fall in love.  Me, however, I was just there to have fun and catch up with some of the sisters I don’t see as much.  What really caught my attention, and made me giggle, was us being partners on It’s A Small World.  During the ride, Jake called out ‘Hey look! It’s Perry.’ I heard that and started to giggle because, probably out of everyone in the boat, knew what he was talking about. I didn’t see his reaction because I quickly turned away but I’m pretty sure Jake heard me.

We weren’t paired together until the afternoon bathroom break.  I was talking to one of the sisters until Jake slowly came up and said ‘Hi.’ No guy, ever, had come up to me before and at first I was surprised.  Then we started up a conversation about shows and things we like to do.  Jake, later on, told me he was nervous to talk to me but knew he had to before I left.  At first, I was being nice to Jake but after a few rides I started feeling comfortable.  For the first time, even during the times Carlos was being a ‘boyfriend,’ I started feeling genuinely loved and important.  Though in the back of my mind, I figured he was just being nice too.

Jake and I left the group and got on the Mark Twain boat, which there was no waiting but was super packed.  It would have been my favorite memory of that day if I didn’t pull a Lina and fell down on the stairs.  I was so embarrassed but Jake, to make me feel better, said I was nervous about what was happening.

 ‘Why, what happen Jake?’ I would ask him, knowing what he meant.  Jake just laughed and replied, ‘Why it was the exact time I knew you were the one.’ Then I would laugh and say, ‘Was that before or after I fell?’ Jake would laugh again as he held me in his arms and would just kiss me.

Once the boat floated away, and after I got over my embarrassment, we headed up to the deck and kept talking. At one point during the conversation, Jake reached over and held my hand (which he had been doing before).  My conversations were based on Carlos experiences at first, but after a while (and running out of ideas) I just started deep conversations with him.  Before I knew it, Jake had gotten close to me and put his arm around my waist.  That moment on the boat was a real turning point for me in both ways.  I had this guy with his arm around me and could possibly want to be more than friends.  However, I felt I was cheating on Carlos (which was so stupid because we were nothing more than friends with some benefits). 

Rusti and even my former uncle Robert told me I needed to take a chance on a guy, whether or not it was Carlos.  That moment on the boat was probably my best chance, but I was still scared of rejection.  I didn’t want to mess up this friendship I was making with Jake and decided to let things happen on its own.   After the boat we met up with the group, just to check in, and then we headed to California Adventures.  Personally, I could care less about the park because there’s not much to do but Jake loves it so, for the sake of the friendship, I went along. 

Soarin’ Over California is his favorite ride and a must to get on, so that’s what we decided to get on.  I think, even to this day, that ride is still my one favorite ride.  We get in line, which wasn’t a long wait, and Jake goes back to holding my hand and then my waist during the whole time.  It hit me right before we got on the ride: I have to take a chance and see if Jake’s interests were the same as mine.  Immediately the image of Carlos kissing me at Venice Beach came in, and I was close to backing out.  However, I fought the urge and decided this is what I need to move on. 

We got off the ride and headed outside, without a word until finally I stopped Jake in the middle of the walkway.  He was holding my hand, of course, and where I stopped him we just passed the restaurant next to the ride. I do not remember what exactly Jake said, but I remember what I replied.  ‘So do you want to make this official, Jake?’  The same words I would shout to Carlos when we would fight came out as a question but also of hope.  I really like Jake and either way I wanted to still see him (and now have a Disneyland buddy to go with).

Jake looked at me and smiled as he replied, ‘Yes babe. You are my girlfriend now, officially.’ After that moment, everything was different.  I felt like a different person and, for the first time, was being treated like a girlfriend.  The night ended with the fireworks with us sharing our first kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend. At that point, it was only a group of six girls that stayed so they knew what happened.  After the fireworks, we all headed out to the parking lot and Jake still had his arm around me but it didn’t bother me anymore.  Once we got to his car, Jake turned around and gave me one last kiss.  ‘I’ll talk to you later babe’ he said as he walked away.   

I got into the car and headed home, realizing what just happened today.  The doubts started coming in and by the time I got home, I figured it was just a show even though Jake did say to make us official. I decided to not say anything, as to not jinx it, but I did mention it to my mom and she was surprisingly supportive of the news.  I went to bed, feeling happy that I was finally in a healthy relationship but worried this was just a dream.

Four months, but still living in the post-Guillermo time

Since July when I met the love of my life, everything couldn't be perfect.  For once in my life (okay, maybe since I started realizing I needed a love life...probably in 2006 or after my grandma died in 2005. I don't know when exactly I felt like that.), I really felt love.  I started to feel more like a girlfriend...not like the girl that is "on call" or only when Guillermo couldn't find anyone else to hang out with.

I've been treated so well with Ade for the past 4 months and even when I was sick and tried to break up with him (yes, twice in a weekend!), Ade never considered it.  He stayed by me while I was sick, checking on me every day. That's truly someone that's in love with you and I found that guy. Everyone loves Ade and his family adores me too.  I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with Ade, which we always talk about since Day 1.

It's weird because with Guillermo, I imagined him busting into the ceremony to stop me from marrying the guy and confessing his love to me.  Then I would think about it and end up leaving with Guillermo into the sunset or getting married.  Not once did I have any dreams about Guillermo proposing to me, only giving me a promise ring.  With Ade, however, I can really see everything: from the moment he proposes (which will be at Disneyland of course and I have some ideas where he will do it) to living together with our children. The Guillermo dream came in around the 2nd month, but instead of me leaving with him I tell Guillermo 'no' and continued the ceremony.

Sometimes this girlfriend stuff can be tough too.  There are times Ade will upset me and I don't know what to do.  In the beginning I wouldn't talk to him for days, but it is hard when we only talk via text.  I don't think I expect a lot, and maybe I still take things personally, but I guess at the end I want to be the perfect girlfriend to Ade.  Maybe Guillermo messed me up or something, but I just don't want Ade to regret being with me.

Hopefully the next 4 months will be much different, on my part, and we'll still be as happy as when we met :)

Happy on the outside, but miserable in the inside and can't figure out why

I finally find the perfect guy...someone that I can have intelligent conversations with and feel so comfortable around.  However, why do I feel like I'm cheating on Guillermo especially after the email he sent back?
Don't get me wrong: I am in love with Ade with my whole heart and soul.  I can't think what life would be like without him and he loves me so much.  He was even willing to come meet me at the mall for 5 minutes, then turn around and head home. What guy would do that for me?
However, I am still in love with Guillermo.  I thought, after emailing him my semi goodbye, it would put a close to our complicated 3 year relationship.  Instead, he replies back and said he will always have a place in him too.  Then we are talking back and forth on Facebook (darn Facebook!) for over a week and I make such a huge mistake.
Guillermo tells me he hopes Ade treats me well and much better than he did.  Which is true, but I tell him "Ade has one flaw: he's not you." Why the hell did I say that!! Do I even know what Guillermo has that Ade doesn't? No.
Mistake #2: During our last conversation, I tell Guillermo I miss him texting me.  Am I doomed to mess up my wonderful and loving relationship with Ade, just to go back to a miserable, loveless relationship with Guillermo? What is wrong with me?

It's been a while again

It’s been a while since I last posted a blog and many things have happened since.

1. I fell in love 

2. I fell back in love

3. I fell out of writing

4. I lost my job

First time, in a long time, I fell in love with the most amazing and caring guy ever.  Any girl would be so lucky to have a guy like him (and I would be hating those girls too) and he choose me..at Disneyland of all places.  I had just restorted to living the single, Guillermo-free life that I had so desperately tried to go back to for the past 4 months. Now I can officially say, and still can’t belive it, that Ade is my boyfriend for over a month now. 

Second, Guillermo comes back into the picture.  At the Mount, I would critize and make fun of those girls that would cry over a guy but as soon as they would come back, the girls would drop everything to go back. I didn’t drop everything (or Ade) to go back to Guillermo, but we did have a long facebook conversation.  I still wish he would admit his feelings to me, but in some strange way this is Guillermo showing how much he loves me: by letting me go and be happy with the one that’s giving me what I want and need.  I still wish he would fight for me though, but I know Guillermo too well and fighting is something he doesn’t do.  I admitted to him before Guillermo left to Denver and hopefully it will make him realize I still care for him: I am truly happy and in love with Ade, but he is not Guillermo because there is that one thing Guillermo has.  Guillermo asked me what that was and, still to this day, I don’t know what that is.  

Yes I thought about it for a couple of days, but I went back to being Ade’s girl and carried on with everything.  

Another thing is my writing. Can you belive this is the longest thing I have written since April? Some reason, since NKOTBSB concert and Disneyland, I have not written in my novel.  What began as a therapy session for me during the Guillermo time became my new obession and I wanted to finish it by my birthday.  However, I cannot find myself to write the novel anymore.  It hit me today: the novel, and much of my stories, have been about Guillermo! This new novel that I worked on for the longest time, was about him and now that I’m with Ade, I can’t find myself writing it anymore.  

Hitting a fork in the road..both literally and metaphically (ok I can't spell either!)

Why am I already having my mid life crisis?  Ok, I've been in one since I turned 25 but this is really bad.  First, I'm changing my novel AND haven't written in weeks.  THEN, I go out with Guillermo after 3 months of not seeing him and I am driving myself crazy thinking about him.  To make it worst, I'm also thinking about Juan too!! What's going on with me!?

I guess deep down I am still hoping for something between Guillermo and me.  Yes I realized he's never gonna choose me (plus I'm not his type apparently...I don't have common sense, or brunette.  Apparently he thinks my life's full of drama and blah blah blah) and I'm fine with that (I'm not gonna beg or do crazy stuff just to get him to pick me). 

Maybe my life's just too complicated and he sees that as a major problem.  Ideally, I should not go out with him anymore and make Guillermo forget me.  More ideally, I should have freakin' stop talking to him when we broke up!  Okay, better yet...I should have listened to Ana and Kiki and left Guillermo before he kissed me.  Realistically, however, I already shown I can't let Guillermo go.  Sadly, he's a part of my life (just like Bestie and my really closest friends) and I don't want to lose him.  Crazy since he treats me harshly while playing around with my emotions. 

I thought writing my novel would help make the transition easier but it just made it worst.  The wedding scene between Carlos and Lizzy was so bad I had to practically kill off Lizzy because I couldn't deal with it.  I hate the way Guillermo makes me feel and I wish I didn't go out with him Saturday, just to get a stupid Twilight candy box!

Being a writer is harder than I thought!

My main New Year's resolution was to restart my writing career.  What career you ask? Before the whole Guillermo thing, I was in the process of writing my own little stories from my RPing days.  Then it went on a whole other direction and currently have about 7 unfinished stories that I never completed.  Therefore, my resolution is to finish at least one story before June 1st. 
Surprisingly, I did really well with my story because every day (at work and home) I'm writing at least 10-15 minutes. 

The story that I picked: the story about Guillermo and me (with all the drama in between!).  I figured it would be like a therapy session for me and (cross fingers!) help me get over him.  I was SUPER wrong! It took me forever to write the first time we kissed (wasn't it supposed to be a happy time for me?) and now I'm having the same trouble with the Denver scene (aka: Guillermo actually treating me like a girlfriend). 

Taking a break from figuring out this confusing account

It has happened...Carilly FINALLY got Marcus to be her Facebook friend and already they are hitting it off as I suspected. LOL.  Good for me because I have my own personal snooper to see what Marcus is (and isn't) hiding from me.  An advantage is if he wants to do something for me, he'll ask Carilly and in turn tell me about it.  LOL. Yes I am bad but I don't do well with surprises.

Bored, sick and just not feeling my happy old self

For the past month, I've been so excited for my birthday.  I don't know why, but some reason number 28 was THE ONE.  I told everyone and had my own little countdown at work and home.  Ocassionally I had my moment of doubt (aka: letting the family get to me, money problems, friends) but I got over it and carried on in my birthday countdown.  It wasn't until my actual week of my birthday that thinks went down.  Monday I was supposed to go to Disneyland with Rebecca and Gaby (who I'm still a tad hurt she's best friends with Rebecca when in the past she couldn't stand her and now goes to Disneyland with her without me).  It was raining but I was still going with them until Gaby finally cancelled and decided to go next week.  Both her and Rebecca are in school so they still have a week's vacation. I, however, have an actual job that makes me work everyday (except Mondays and Fridays) and since next week was a busy (yeah right!) week, I couldn't take time off. What do they do? They go to Disneyland yesterday and then in February we'll go.  You know darn well things will happen from now to February and we will not go.  So I have resorted to go with my aunt Saturday (who doesn't like to get on rides).

Next, I had the worst birthday ever in the history of birthdays.  If I knew I was not going to get any presents on my birthday, I would not have opened my only 2 presents from Carilly and Marcus (I mean Guillermo -- love how I changed his name!).  Then we go visit my uncle and his family after visiting my aunt and the boys.  We ended up staying the entire day with my uncle (when we were supposed to be there for a bit then go home and have my traditional birthday dinner) and not having my dinner.  Worst, I didn't have a birthday cake! You know I was crying all night (except when my aunt surprised me with one at 10:30pm).  Sunday I had lunch with my dad and stepmom (which, surprisingly wasn't bad because it was just them and not the rest of the family. My tia, however, had to throw in on her card her sassy comment).  No birthday dinner that night from my mom again. I got my dinner Monday night (and a new cake) but supposedly I'm having a nicer birthday dinner next month. 

HOWEVER..
My birthday wasn't all that bad. Guillermo texted me the week before my birthday, out of the blue.  He remembered my birthday (which surprised me because he never remembers anything) AND he actually had a gift for me. I was so excited all last week, waiting for Friday when I was going over his house.  It was like old times between us because things weren't weird or anything like the last time I saw him.  So much that right after texting Carilly that things between us were perfect (just friends), we go back to the same situation as before. Only difference: I leave right after the fact (mostly to go pick up my mom but still).  What does this all mean? I have no clue.

it's been a while but hopefully back to updates a week

A lot has happened since the last time I posted on this thing but at least it will make for a better (and longer!) blog. LOL.

I. Guillermo:
Haven't talked to him in months (which "normal" people would consider to be a good thing).  Yes I have missed talking to him and on several occassions wanted to text him, but surprisingly I have good will power.  I think this is finally it between us.  Last year, around this time, I was torn with breaking up with him because of his comments and thought I would never get over him.  Now, I can go on without Guillermo and I'm starting to be happy again.  I know Mike (aka: my BSB Ace friend) had posed the question "can you live without him?" when I was ranting to him about Guillermo and at the time I thought "no of course not." Now that I think about it, I am living without Guillermo in my life and I'm fine. Do I wish I can share some stuff with Guillermo? Yes, but until he realizes he can't have things go both ways (be friends AND have an intimate relationship), I'm not talking to him.  Plus it doesn't seem like it bothers him because he has a new "best friend" girl in his life.  Yes, I have been replaced and it bothers me, but I'm not budging.  Maybe this Vegas trip will be more interesting...hmm...

II. The other family drama
Apparently this drama (over a phone mind you!) has now become MY FAULT. I told Robert (mind you, I texted him back in April) about the possibility of his phone being lost and I would pay him back if it was.  He never responded back to me and this whole issue continued on until 2 months ago when my aunts "decided" to pay my mom and I a visit. I was very weary of this sudden visit because the week before I called my dad.  My grandpa (who I haven't seen in years because of my family) came down to visit and asked about me.  Then I get a frantic call from my grandpa and when I called him back, my grandpa was very upset and kept insisting if I was ok.  This pissed me off because I didn't know what my aunts had told him and I called my dad, upset of course, to find out what they said about me.  My dad calls back, assuring me no one told my grandpa anything about me, but I was still upset over this whole thing.  Then my mom text my dad and told him to do something about this situation (against my knowledge of course) and sure enough he did.  Hence, the visit and pie. (LOL).
So it was going well until my aunt started with her "well the main reason we're here is to talk about what's going on." There I go with forcefully putting my fork down and waiting to hear it.  Of course it turned into "well you know, putting stuff on facebook is not right" and "we were very concern about you from what we heard" and (this is my favorite) "I did not want to bother with you so I didn't invite you to my birthday dinner".  Oh how much I wanted to tell them off at that moment, but for the sake of my mom (and the neighbor), I kept my mouth shut, looked down, rolled my eyes, and just took it like a girl.  Don't you love how family can turn something around and make you look like the bad guy?  Oh but they couldn't stop praising my crack-hore of a half cousin.  Yes I can truly say that because that's what she is. She shacked up with 2 guys, taking drugs and the family didn't like that.  Then she cleans up her act, starts coming around more, actually dates the guy and the family treats her like the golden child.  Do I have to do that to get some recognition from that family?

What I learned from this "intervention" of sorts? I'm a bother to the family, I have to be a crack-hore like the "cousin", and this whole thing is my fault and I need to apologize to Robert.  Even though I already admitted my fault and took responsibility for losing the phone, I need to apologize to him for not talking to him.  Am I missing something here?

I hope December will be a much better month for me (free of Guillermo, the other family and other stuff) and 2011 will be a much better year (no Bella in the woods, no Guillermo, no other family). 

Update to my last post

I have decided to let Guillermo go. Well, unofficially I have (since our relationship is still in the unofficial status).  For the 2 years we have been going out, Guillermo always said how he loves Denver and wishes he could go back.  He went to school out there so it's understandable why he feels so attached to Denver.  The last time we went out, Guillermo was saying how he gets his mind set on doing something for him and then something happens and he puts his life on hold to fix it.   It got me thinking: what if one of the reasons he is staying is me? Crazy thinking, yes I know because I don't mean anything to him but I have a small feeling it could be.  I remember last year, before he went on his weekend trip back to Colorado, I made a big thing that I was never gonna see him again. Now that I'm older (wiser maybe?), I realized I should have just let him go.  I don't want to be the reason Guillermo can't live out his dream and if it ever came down to it, I would give up my happiness for him to be happy. 


Of course Guillermo would never ask me that, or even think about it, but I'm already preparing myself for that situation. Maybe that's why it's kinda been easy for me to be apart from him this long.  Though I still have my moments of missing (and crying) over him, I've been pretty good about not texting him or anything. 

Very impressed with myself lately :) GOLD STARS!!

Here's a recap of what's going on:
1. Guillermo and me fell back into our old thing.
2. Guilllermo goes and makes things weird between us by forcing me to be around his friends (who clearly don't like me)
3. The friends I met were girls he works with and clearly were flirting with him (both pre-drinking, buzzed, and wasted)
4. Guillermo and me haven't talked since the drinking party, but just quick little FB posts
5. It's not the same anymore between us after our one night stand (if that's what you would call it)
6. I'm not missing Guillermo like I used to before..I'm actually enjoying not having to worry about what to wear to go out
7. Am I NOT in love with Guillermo anymore?
and #8: I am still in love with him.

Why am I still in love with him, though he made our relationship weird and doesn't want to do anything with me anymore? Same reason why I couldn't break up with him last year and why I couldn't leave him 2 years ago.
I want to say I am over him, but he does things that surprises me.  Like this weekend when I threw my mom her surprise 50th birthday party, Guillermo left me a FB message wishing my mom a happy birthday. He NEVER did that before.  Of course there's the causal FB comments but that's the extent of our conversations.  Even the comments are kinda weird because Guillermo's not teasing me.  I don't know with this guy: should I give up or keep holding on?

My crazy dream (non Twilight so don't worry hehehe)

So there are 3 guys that were the main focus of the party, but sadly I can only remember one and his name's Walter. Apparently this Walter guy is a major player that pretends he's Mr Perfect but is really a jerk (according to Guillermo and the other girls that were there). So Guillermo leaves me to go referee the 2 guys that went outside and I was left with the rest of the group, Walter included. He (Walter) starts flirting with me but of course I turn him down. This guy, in my dream and hopefully he's not like this in real life, becomes this major stalker and follows me around the ESPN Zone, including THE BATHROOM!! Yes this guy's hella strange!


After the bathroom incident, I go back to the table and ask Diana (nice dressed Diana, but I don't think she went to the party in RL) where G was. MAJOR ATTITUDE she gave me so I grabbed my purse and went to look for G. At that moment, I saw Walter (crazy, stalker freak) walking by with SECURITY towards the door. I decided to follow them and see if G was outside. Sure enough, there was G with the 2 guys that were fighting and he was just standing there. Freaky, stalker guy Walter brought out security to arrest the 2 guys but not G, so I grabbed him and told him I wanted to leave already. G agreed and we were about to turn around when crazy, stalker Walter came back and grabbed my arm, saying we couldn't leave yet.G pushed him back, saying not to grab his girlfriend (aww..) like that.

We turned around and was about to walk away when crazy, stalker Walter started laughing at G and said something that I don't remember. I turned around and looked at crazy, stalker Walter and said, "What?" Crazy, stalker Walter said, "You're his girlfriend? That's not what he told me." I turned around and reply "WHAT?" Walter, still laughing, continues against Guillermo's constant "shut the hell up Walter".

"Yeah Jess you should hear all the stuff Mo says about you. 'Oh I have this girl that's so easy I love it.' 'Oh this girl's so stupid and pathetic that I can toss her a stupid complement and she's down on me in seconds' and..oh Jess this is my favorite part...'Dude, once I screw her, I'm dumping her easy ass!"
I was so hella pissed at Guillermo during Walter's drunk confession that I didn't know what to do.  I didn't seem like I was going to cry but when G was trying to calm me down and I just looked at him and punched him hard! Yes yours truly punched a guy and broke his nose and gave him a black eye. I'm so proud of myself.

So how did I get home? 2 versions (why 2 I don't know LOL).
1. I called Robert and he picked me up and made up.
2. I actually drove over to LA Live and met G there. After the fight I went back to my car and drove home.

But in both versions, I had to put ice on my hand because I hit him so hard, it buised my hand. After the fact, I was in hella a lot of pain too. LOL.

Wouldn't that be crazy that G pisses or hurts me so badly I would literally punch him? As if cute and adorable me would do that! hehehhe...

New Jess is finally taking over (for now at least!)

Another weekend went by and still no word from Guillermo about going out.  Assuming the only way to get his attention is by waving McDonald Happy Meals in front of him, I pretty much gave up on the whole reconciliation idea.  It was good while it lasted (only 1 outing and then the almost sleep over at his house), but I guess our 7 month break up changed everything. 

Instead of me texting him and officially breaking up, I decided (and with my Bestie's consistent approval of anything Guillermo related LOL) to play it HIS way.  My plan:  break up with Guillermo but not tell him.  Then when he finally decides to go out with me, I'll go but then confront him with the million dollar question: "what the hell do you want to do? make it official or not?"

I mean, if Guillermo treated me like a girlfriend, I would not be having these issues, but he never treated me like one. Except when we went to Pershing Square last summer and then to the beach, but of course it was because he was leaving to Denver that week.  He treats me like his best friend in public, but when we go back to his house and especially around his parents, he treats me like his girlfriend. 

Of course my "sorority sisters" who are supposed to stand by me and support me thinks I'm crazy.  They have even resorted to talking about me on Facebook, saying how "ignorant" I am with this whole thing. Yes I should have just moved on, but how could I when he's been such a part of my life for 2 years?  Plus the fact I still love him. 

Last night my bestie and me went to a book signing and I fell in love with it.  It made me realize I didn't need Guillermo to have fun, though there are some things that I would like to do with him.  I think my crazy plan might just work and hopefully when I do see Guillermo again, it won't be the last time.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart"

It wasn't bad enough I crossed the line and took Guillermo back, but now I'm so over the line I can't see the side of reasoning. LOL. (Ok no more Emily Griffin/Wickman novels LOL).  I realized this weekend it's tough being a girlfriend, especially an unofficial one.  I made a promise that I would not make the same mistakes I made the first time around with him, but damn Guillermo! He must've known about my promise because he's pulling every trick in the book to piss me off. 

Saturday he goes out to a baseball game and doesn't invite me.  Granted, I had plans with the family (we drove to Simi Valley to the Reagan Museum.  I LOVED it!) but a "hey, I'm going to the game at 5pm you wanna come?" or something like that.  If he would have texted me, I would have no reason to be upset. BUT HE DIDN'T! I was so upset but instead of arguing with him (which the old Jess would have definitely done!), I quietly put my phone down and started reading my book, thinking of ways to get back at Guillermo.  I even thought of ways to find a Voturi family that could take him down too (YES I was pissed!). 

Sunday was worst because all day, I did not hear from him.  I made it a point (since apparently the only reason Guillermo complained about me deleting him from my Facebook was to check up on me) to mention on my statuses "I'M BORED SO I'M READING" .  Did he call or text me to see if I wanted to go and do something? NO!! Oh, but the only, ONLY FREAKING text from him was a reply to my last status of the day. 

Status: "NEIGHBORS ARE KILLING ME WITH GARLIC" or something like that but it was with garlic.
HIM: "REMIND ME TO GET YOU GARLIC FRIES!"

OMFG!! I wanted to call Guillermo up and let him have it! He could open up his laptop and reply back to a status but he can't freakin' pick up his phone and text me a message or (dare I say it!) call me!  I don't know if this is a constant problem for girlfriends, I could be nitpicking, or both but this really bothered me.  I know things changed between Guillermo and me, but I guess I was hoping for us to be closer after getting back together. 

Bestie and me referred to Guillermo as "My Baby #3" but now he's been downgraded to "Marcus", the insensitive, uncaring guy from "Something Borrowed".

Sweet Nibblets! I did it again!!

So I guess this means Guillermo and me are back to "unofficial status" again. 
Difference is: I'm not going to push for "official" status like last time. 

Here we go again!

Never rely on mobile email because apparently my very good and deep post didn't go through! Anyway, it's almost been a week since Guillermo and me went out after 7 months and I promised myself (and my bestie and my sanity) I wouldn't read into this.  What am I doing? Reading into the situation like always.

I always said all I wanted was my best friend, my WALL-E abuser Guillermo back. No strings attached, no hidden messages, no unofficial boyfriend Guillermo..NOTHING! Now I am wishing he would do something like that again.  At least kiss me again! Yes I know if that happened, everything that we are trying to work for will probably be messed up again.  I'm definitely like Bella when Edward came back at the end of "NEW MOON" because I needed Guillermo.  It was as though a missing piece of me came back on Monday when I saw him and it reminded me of our first date.

When I was very sick, I would pray (yes contrary to my family and friends's beliefs, I DO pray!) to see Guillermo one last time and tell him everything, including how I feel.  Maybe Monday was my chance to see him and tell him, but of course I didn't say anything.  I hope I do get to see him again because I need him.

Star wishing isn't a crazy thing after all!

Yes I did do that on 4th of July eve (why am I making every holiday into "eve" and "day"?) and thought I was going to break under the pressure of not talking to Guillermo (and I was still pissed at him for forgetting our anniversary AND not inviting me out to the Dodger game and other stuff). Well, as Carilly tried to warn me, I should have hidden my phone on 4th of July.  Reason: mixing alcohol with the phone is a bad combo, especially when you have the number to your "ex" on the phone still.  YES yours truly drank wine coolers to her heart's delight (and against my aunt's constant complaint) and I text Guillermo! It wasn't just for him though, it was to ALL my friends! Even the ones I don't talk to anymore.  Worst part: I even put "Better send this out before I start drinking again! LOL" Did he reply? Of course with a generic "thanks you too!" but I knew the next day I would get some sort of comment about my drinking.  LOL

Sure enough, yesterday I get a Facebook comment from Guillermo about Sunday.  Not really thinking since I had a headache and it was already after 12pm (LOL), I replied back to the comment.  While I was getting dressed, the phone rang and it was him.  Immediate thought: CALL HIM! Of course I didn't because I thought it was a mistake so I sent him a text instead.  He text me back and asked if I wanted to go to a baseball game with him.  At first I was very hesitate.  Reason: the last 2 times we planned on going out, Guillermo pulls at the end that he didn't feel good after all.  Yes I should be sensitive but after the 2nd time and then hearing he went out with another friend, I knew he was just avoiding me.  So, since I had to go out anyway, I said yes and waited for the infamous "oh wait, I have a headache" excuse.  Instead I got "yay. so I'll be there in 30 minutes".  Sweet Nibblets! Guillermo ACTUALLY said yes!

It was like nothing ever happened between us, because as soon as I got in the car it was same ol' Guillermo: teasing and making fun of me.  It was a LONG drive out to Lancaster but it was good to just be out again and with him too :).  Yes I had hope something else would have happened but at the end I was just glad to have my friend back, the same one that I met 2 years ago at Pinks (aka my WALL-E Abuser). 

So instead of jinxing everything, I have decided I'm not telling anyone (except my bestie of course!) and not posting it on Facebook anymore.  I want things to work out on its own and without people telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  I think that was part of why I did what I did.  For right now, I want to enjoy things with Guillermo before I tell people I'm back with him....as my best guy friend of course.

Stupid grad essay!

I'm trying a new look now. LOL.
(Yes I am bored at work :) )

While waiting for work, I'm trying to finish up this blasted grad essay.  Okay, back in the day, I could BS an essay the night before and still get an A or B.  Now I can't write the beginning of this essay! I'm supposed to be a WRITER people!! It's even harder because you have to include that all important question: why do you want to pursue graduate study? I don't know...because I want to get a higher degree and get a better paying job? I don't think I would get accepted with that answer so I have to put something more....educated. That's where it's tricky and taking me FOREVER! Hopefully I can get it done before July 15th (deadline to apply for the fall or else I have to wait till next year to apply.)

Well poor Sassy the kitty was finally taken to her adopted family on Sunday. :(
She just didn't like Tobey and poor Tobey was scared of her (well I would be too if a little furry ball scratched me).  Plus my mom found some...gifts in her room and said she had to go. I put her on Craig's List and a nice girl (I want to say around my age) replied back.  I know she will give Sassy a nice home and love her a lot, but I do miss my little kitty :(  Tobey of course is happy he has the house to himself again, but did pretend to be sad on Monday.