Of course the day I come back to work, there's no supervision......

AND NO WORK FOR ME!!! YIKES!!

So, I'll just blog and make it seem like I'm working on billing stuff so the other supervisors (or the lead that for some odd reason does not like me since I started working here) won't throw me to the non-Jacob pack wolves (aka: the PHONES).

What I did since the last time I posted? Hmm....
1. Off work again because my leg swelled up again but not as bad like last time.
2. Couldn't go to Disneyland on Sunday because of the leg situation but had fun at home
3. Another Cinderella Story is still my favorite movie but it doesn't make me sad like before.\
4. Downloaded more songs from the soundtrack Another Cinderella Story
5. Suddenly have an urge to dance (crazy, huh? Of course if I tried it now I would end up right back in the hospital. LOL)
6. Realized I do not want to see my dad's family because frankly they get on my nerves and I don't want to be around that right now during my recovery.
7. Still trying to write letters to people but when I start, I never finish it (Sorry Carilly but it's coming!!)
8. Realized that making peace with Angie wasn't a good thing because I haven't heard anything back from her.
9. Decided based on #8 not to make peace with Katie
10. I spend too much time thinking when I'm just laying in bed with my leg elevated and can't fend for myself. LOL

Oh and add another thing on the list of stuff: I haven't had ANY inclination to text or even want to talk to Guillermo since the last text I sent him. I think that's what I needed: closure. I told him how I felt, then told him I never regret the things we did, he wants to still be friends and there you go. Yes maybe it would be nice to have him text me to see how I'm doing (I told him I would be better in a few weeks) but I'm not thinking about it or anything anymore. Maybe if I had done this sooner, like a week before my birthday, I would have been so much better.

OH, RANDOMness! I found cds that I made at the Mount of old songs so I started listening to them in the car this week. I can't believe the stuff I downloaded! I guess it was the Mount coodies or something. LOL. Anyway, I found this song that it could have been my official break up song. Then I looked at the title of the cd: LOVE SONGS to cry over. It got me thinking: Who would I be in love with that I would have LOVE SONGS? I know for certain there was Jimmy but he had too many issues (Plus he was with Angie and that's how the whole drama started between Katie and Angie). Irene had some guy she met online and Rebecca had some 17 year old guy from school and of course Katie had no one so it made me think. Was it somehow a precursor to what would happen now? Interesting enough it made me watch the Matrix at 8:30 in the morning. LOL.

OMG! Joe KISSED Stella! Where was I when this happened?

My mom bought me the new I HEART JONAS dvd the other night (since I went through all the movies I got while I was recovering that week) and I saw that last episode (might have been the season finale in "normal people" time). I am SO glad Joe finally gave in and kissed Stella. Times like this I wished I had cable to watch season 2. I may have to tweet Nick and Joe and get some hints or something to let me know. Will Joe and Stella FINALLY be a couple? So exciting!

"Recovering" you might ask? Yes, yours truly was once again in the mist of a medical emergency in the form of not walking....at all. When I was sick with the flu a while ago, I took tons of Tyenol and Tyenol Multi Symptom medicine and some other stuff (which I was too sick to remember but apparently my mom called my aunt who thinks she's a licensed doctor and told my mom to buy all these stuff to give me). I did get better in a week but then my leg (my bad leg--the one that has the blood clot in it) got hella swollen and painful to walk. Eventually on Friday my mom couldn't stand to watch me limp around so she dragged me to the hospital. We went at 9am (which both of us thought it wouldn't be crowded and we would be in and out quick) and after 5pm (YES that late!) we went home (which was good because I was so worried I would be spending the weekend in the hospital). The rest of the weekend and week (since I had to stay home) and that following weekend, I was confined (yet again!) to the bed, with my leg up and taking MORE medicines for the pain. Downside, I had to move downstairs to my mom's room and she moved up to my old room so that was a mess with bringing stuff down. Upside: I finally got JONAS season 1. LOL.

I guess being that I was sick and maybe the medicines was making me crazy, I decided that I needed to talk to Guillermo. I went ahead and sent him a text, saying once I feel better we should go and talk about what happened. See, after sending the email I was upset and hurt about what he said but I wasn't thinking straight because right after was the "crazy boyfriend stalking an employee" situation and within a hour the building was evacuated. After the fact, however, I reread the email and realized what I put wasn't true. I felt bad because I didn't want Guillermo to think I regret everything we did because the only thing I regret was not telling him sooner how I felt. So, while laying in bed and doing nothing (my mom left to do something and I wanted something to eat but since I couldn't get up, I had to wait until someone came home to help. Sad huh?) I texted him and it took him a whole FREAKIN' day to reply back. Long story short: the 3 month anniversary of our breakup turned out to be a semi hopeful one because we are going to try out being friends (again) but once I feel better and won't use a walking cane to smack him (LOL. That was Guillermo's condition). One thing that touched me was how he said he wishes he could give me what I wanted and he feels the same way that I do. Maybe that's a good sign? No, no I'm not going to spend my time thinking about this. I did what I had to do and now he has to do something. :)

Finally, I am back at work and of course I have work waiting for me. LOL.
That crazy guy Tommy is moving to Wisconsin to be with this girl he's been in love with for ever and they have more drama than Guillermo and me. LOL. Who knew! Thank god he's leaving because I realized, yes I cut him out after the breakup but he keeps reminding me how HE felt. OMFG! Get over it (plus I apologized AND explained that it wasn't just him it was everyone).
Robert, after getting thrown out by my tia (which is HIS fault because of his attitude), and I are not speaking to each other especially after the Guillermo thing.

Oh and I got my ABSOULTE, FAVORITE MOVIE of ALL TIME:: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU!!! *squeal*

I'm back!

It's been over 2 weeks since I have posted anything and about a week and a half since I have been at work so....it's time to add another post. LOL.

BIG NEWS! So disappointed in myself. I went back on FACEBOOK!! YIKES!! I didn't plan to, but since I didn't get an invite to a party that a sister always has, I went back on to check and there was the invite in my inbox. Then people started messaging me and yada...yada..yada I'm back on. DIFFERENCE: I blocked ALL the games that I used to play (because that's why I was so addicted) AND not posting as often as before. Nope. I'm not falling into that hole that is "addictive to facebook and can't do anything without updating my status every 2 minutes". That's Twitter and I will continue using Twitter.

So, Facebook is completely changed...again! The homepage where you see all the status updates and stuff from your friends is completely redone, the bookmarks from the bottom of the page is on the side with your messenger...it just looks weird and confusing. Yes I have no willpower but I lasted this long without facebook so I am proud. lol

On to the Guillermo note: I think being off work for a week and being sick with the flu really snapped me back to my pre-Guillermo self. First, I couldn't remember who was this guy I had a picture of on my IPOD (I had a high fever so I was very dillusional), then I remembered him but didn't know the details of how well I knew him (fever going down) and then finally remembering the break up. Now I am happy and, in a way, like Bella after she gets threatened to be sent back to Florida with her mom. Except I am not hopping on bikes with strange men and riding motocycles or cliff diving----unless there was a Jake around and then HELL YEAH! LOL. Anyway, short story: I am back to my happy, men-free self.

"Pushin' me away every last word every single thing you say"

Today is 2 months that I broke up with Guillermo and how do I feel after 2 months? Horrible!

Instead of celebrating this day curled up in the Bella position, I am here at work trying to be productive. Actually for a WHOLE week I was fine: no moaping, no crying (even if I could cry), NOTHING. Then I thought: is that bad of me to move on after a month and a half? How could I go on like nothing ever happened? Then I went back to being sad and depressed again. One would think after what Guillermo texted me I would just forget him, but of course not me. Like what he would tell me when I would start with the relationship issue: I always over think things. That's gonna be my new motto for 2010 (or until I give up because I can't just stick to something lol): just roll with it. Let's see how long that lasts..LOL!

Anyway, that surprise that Robert had for me last weekend? Nope it wasn't Guillermo (and of course I let Robert have it by smacking him with my Cathedral sweater) but Ruben got me a set of Star Wars pens with the crazy hair on top. Very cute and of course I couldn't break the family's heart by saying I gave up Star Wars after the break up so I took them and now use them at work when I'm bored. Robert gave me his favorite Salesian sweatshirt for me to have (finally after how many years we'd been out of high school! lol). Of course it's hella huge on me, but at least I got one now. FYI: Will's not happy about the sweatshirt now. Oh wells!

Oh and I have officially became those single guys that bring a child to a park and pick up women! Like that commerical with the guys borrowing puppies to pick up girls (my favorite part is the guy with the cute pug and he says the pug's his first mate....AWWW....fyi any guy that has a pup with him has won my heart!) So last night in the freezing cold I took Matty to his basketball practice. While sitting down, this guy (obliviously a parent because he's always there with his son) starts talking to me about Matty! Mind you, this guy NEVER talks to me since basketball season started. We talked for a little until he got tired and went to his chair (he has a broken leg). I told my mom that night that I have officially became a "pimp" because of Matty.

Oh and another Guillermo-related issue: I was watching the Closer on DVD (that has became my favorite show since we don't have cable anymore) and Fritz proposes to Brenda while they were at the doctor. He takes out the tiny box (light blue with white ribbon around it) and gives her the ring. OMG! Major moment for me!! I even tweeted about that part: If Guillermo comes back and gives me some sort of jewelry (not an engagement ring of course) I want him to pull out a box like that. If I get engaged, I want the box like that (even the bag it came in was light blue!)

Vikings game..YAY!

So the Vikings are playing for the spot in the Superbowl: this is the most excitment we had in the house in ages.  We NEVER watch football as much as this season because of my mom's team---the Vikings and Bret Favre.  The last 2 Sundays my mom has put on little football parties at home (of course it's just us but still it's fun) for the games.  Today I get to wear a Bret Favre jersey :)

So Robert texts me last night, saying that I need to go over to their house today because "someone has a surprise for you" but he won't tell me anything about it.   Then the crazy thinking starts, which keeps me up all night and now it's making me sick with curiousity.  Could Robert, the brother I never had but feels like a brother to me, really have done something so spectacular, so nice, for me?  Could he really have done that?......I really need to stop doing this to myself every time someone tries to be nice.  Of course I already tramatized my cousin and godson into believing there's no such thing as "soul mates" and "true love" the other day (but I was sick so I wasn't thinking straight), but of course there's that small part of me that really is holding out hope about it (see how I'm not even acknowledging the situation...I'm trying to keep some sanity in my life).

Maybe I'm not truly over the whole thing.  I would think I'm 50/50 over it because I can be fine, moving on and doing things but then something will happen (a memory, song, or anything that reminds me) and I'm a mess again.  On Thursday it will be 2 months and I know there's a bet going on in the family to see how long I will get over the break up but I'm hoping by the 3rd month I will be my old, happy self again.

After watching Season 2 of "Dawson's Creek"...

Yes I do have a season of Dawson's Creek and of course it had to be the season when Dawson and Joey had their first kiss. I spent this weekend watching the season and, in a way, it helped me deal with my breakup. Of course I was yelling at my tv when Dawson decides to give Joey time to figure out what she needs instead of fighting for her (which I've been saying this whole time about Guillermo! I twittered and Myspaced it at that point!) but after watching how life became so much easier for them I started thinking about my life.

Sure I could spend every waking moment like Bella and crying for every little thing that reminds me of Guillermo and me, but doing all that won't make things better between us. He made his choice and (possibly) heartbreaking for him as it (might) have been, he gave me my space and time to figure out my feelings. I made my choice by sending him that email asking for time away so now I have to deal with it. Would I love to see him again? Of course! Would I love for things to be the same? OF COURSE! Truth is, things won't be the same for us if we do get back together and, unlike Joey and Dawson who were able to be friends after the fact, we can't go back to just being friends.

Like what Carilly said, it could be true later on we could get back together or I might meet someone with more common interests. My mom said the exact same thing when I told her about the official breakup. Of course she also said I spent money on a present that is now floating in the trunk but there are other people that like Nemo. Maybe I'll mail it to Katie and attach a note "This was for my ex boyfriend but since we are not together anymore you can have it." LOL.

I am feeling better now and I wonder if that's a good thing. It's been over a month and a half since the first breakup (next week would be 2 months) and I don't know if I should still be grieving. I think I reached my crying limit last month because when I feel like crying, I can't cry. I think hearing Guillermo (actually reading his text) put the stake in the vampire's heart (I am listening to the new BSB song "Straight through my heart" and it's a vampire video) and is helping me to move on. I think I have officially passed the breakup depression mood and now I can really go back to life pre-Guillermo.

ps: I have FINALLY found inspiration for writing my graduate essay.

Well...ain't I a smart girl?

I broke and I texted Guillermo last night. That was a big mistake but it was heartbreaking at the same time. He tells me "Sometimes it's best not to see someone that you really care about." At that point, I broke down and cried because I knew truly I messed up a somewhat good thing. What if I messed up a chance to be happy? What if Guillermo would have made things official between us? I truly think now I am alone because I feel this is the end of us. No amount of Christmas/Birthday/New Year miracles or wishes will help me because Guillermo gave me what I wanted...because he loved me.

In between feeling ever so depressed, I'm trying to write an essay for grad school. Yes! I'm trying to get in CSULA by a loophole (which is the program will accept unofficial transcripts). Only problem is I can't write the essay for the life of me! I realized before the text I might have lost my ability to write. Duh I can still write but before (especially during the Guillermo times) I can start writing about any little thing that comes to mind. Now, I can barely write this blog! I think Guillermo was my reason for writing and now that I lost him, I also lost my creative writing spark.

In between Guillermo and writer's block, we just had a meeting at work. To make things easier for everyone, they are re-consolidating the two departments back to one big department again. So everyone in the Billing group (technically we are a group because it's so small) is whispering to each other about what will happen to us. I'm wondering too, especially since I have PILES of field check information to enter into the computer PLUS more research requests that came in before the meeting. YIKES!

So to recap:
1. Guillermo's way of showing me he truly loved me is giving me what I wanted: a break up
2. I can't write if my life depended on it.
3. I might lose my current job and go back to being just an operator.
4. Just as I hate Star Wars, I might be heading to not like Twilight or the series because I started liking the series when I started dating Guillermo.