2009 review (part III of many)

It was strange on this day (I don't know what the significance of December 30th or the number 30 or what) that I start thinking about Juan.  To recap, Juan was my first guy I went out with AND the first one to lose everything to.  Anyway, I started thinking about him and how the "relationship" (I say "relationship" because we really didn't have a "relationship," more like "I'm bored so let's have sex" type) was and what it could have been.  Then I again start thinking about how Guillermo came in and (in his own strange way) "rescued" me from that.  Yes I would have stopped the Juan "relationship" on my own (I put a year's difference seeing him and this last time was it for me) but Guillermo was there to help me get passed it.  Why was I thinking about it I don't know.  Maybe because I have Guillermo's present floating in the back of the car? Who knows.

Maybe since I'm home taking care of my mom, I'm finding more time to sleep and think about things.  I tweeted yesterday how it could be my grandma causing my mom's pneunomia to get me distracted from the whole Guillermo thing but I would think it would be a cruel thing to do. 
A. Without a strong immune system I can catch pretty much anything (for example, the mild Swine Flu from October)
B. My mom, being sickly as it is, could get worst and ....you know

Can you believe I actually want to go back to work so I can get my mind off of my personal, screwed up life? Like everyone has been saying this week, I can't wait to see what happens in 2010.  I want things to be different, exciting, and full of happiness.  I would love to have a wonderful 2010 with Guillermo (who I still think with that one small part of me is my one) but if that's not meant to be, then I have to try to move on and find someone else.  Maybe find a better, full time job or even start grad school (but MSMC will probably won't let me get transcripts till 2011), but most importantly MOVE OUT!

2009 review (part II of many)

Yes I will be having MANY parts of 2009 reviews on here so too bad!! LOL.

Since I won't be invited to any New Years Eve parties (and why would I want to go and watch everyone snuggle with their loved ones and get their New Years kiss which I will never get or probably could have if I didn't break up with Guillermo --- sweet nibblets! Doing it again. LOL) I figure I would have my own little one person party and just hang out in my room watching movies or blogging or actually (for reals!) clean the room. 

Now that I am a single woman in my late 20s (sweet nibblets! I can't believe I'm that boring now.  I wonder if I was always like that pre-Guillermo....hmm...) I should already be living the typical life: living on one's own, having a career one loves, dating/engaged....but of course with the rest of my life I'm not the typical girl.  It seems like everyone else has the better luck but not me---maybe I have some family curse, who knows.

Anyway, this is my deep thinking for the week.  :) 

2009 review (part I of many)

What did I learn from 2009?

1. Never give your heart to someone, they will break it
2. Listen to your guts (and BFFs) when they tell you to dump the guy from the beginning.
3. When you spend the night crying over the guy, you should dump him
4. If he acts very romantic and sweet, it's usually an act to get in your pants
5. Never believe a word he says. 99.9% of the time he's lying

AKA: This is what Guillermo has taught me in 2009 and it took my last night in his room after Thanksgiving to realize that. 

My 27th birthday was supposed to be a happy one.  I was spending it with my dad's family for the first time in years and I went to Disneyland for the first time in years (yes I've been there before obliviously but never on my birthday!).  A couple of days before Friday, of course, I texted Guillermo to ask about dropping off a present to his parents (who I adore and plus I don't know if they know what we'd been doing in Guillermo's room so better to play it safe and be extra nice to them).  We started texting each other back and he asked if I was going to Disneyland this weekend. I said no because I work Saturday but I was going on my actual birthday. He then surprised me by saying "Am I invited?"  By habit, I guess, I told him sure and he asked what time and who was going.  After mentioning my mom was going, he said "oh I better not. It might be akward."  Big mistake coming up because I then said, "True but really since I'm not staying long at Disneyland why don't you come to my dinner party instead."  Guillermo then replies, "I don't know. It might be weird."  My last response to him was, "It won't be because my family knows you since I talk about you. They won't make you feel weird."  That's all it took for me to get my hopes up and start thinking he was really going to make an effort to make things work. Boy was I wrong and I spent the last 3 hours of my birthday laying in bed, crying.

WTF? Guillermo AS Joe Jonas? Yikes!!

Yes you read right! For the past day, I have been dreaming about yours truly JOE JONAS (and who wouldn't want to dream about him ~*sigh*) but not like perfect, kind Joe Jonas.  This Joe Jonas is acting EXACTLY like Guillermo and it has freaked me out so much (not that much that I would stop obsessing over the Jonas Brothers~there is still 1 that is available and 2 that I can like :) ).  I will recreate the first dream that started this craziness.

Dream #1:
We are on the set of JONAS (only the BEST show on Disney of course!) and I am Stella's other BFF, Liz (of course also very cute in my school uniform!) and we all are hanging out in the hallway, which on the show they always do.  The group includes Joe, Kevin, Nick, and Macy, plus us.  Anyway, Joe being the firtly one, is being his extra adorable self again (in which Stella and I are equally being adorable back, but I'm also throwing in a bit of sarcasm and joking around too---which Joe takes an extra interest in too) but after a while the three of us decides that in order to save our friendship, he can't choose with girl to go out with or even date.  Stella and I agree and our group continues their laughing and happiness in the hallway until we go to class. 

Now Joe and I have the same class so we go off together, still playing and joking around.  How convienent we have orchestra as a class (LOL) and Joe and I usually stay behind after class to help put the instruments away. Somehow (plus I am clumsy) I slip and fall behind the tuba and Joe starts laughing.  I'm laughing too and tell him to come help me up.  He comes over and ends up falling on top of me and we're both laughing so hard on the floor until he stops and kisses me! (YIKES!).  I of course try to be the reasonable one (hint: I said that to Guillermo when I broke up with him) but Joe said, "Why? Didn't you want me to kiss you?" (hint: Guillermo told me that when we first fought).  I just nodded and agreed that yes I wanted to kiss him for the longest time (hint: I told Guillermo that after we first kissed at LAX) and then we started kissing some more. 

It was easy to hide our relationship from the group, especially Stella, because nothing had changed between Joe and me.  We still teased and joked around but when we were alone, then there was the occassional kissing BUT this is where it got weird.  Joe's room was not in the firehouse like the show.  Joe's room WAS Guillermo's room---down to every last detail that I can remember from his room.  So Joe takes me to his room and yada yada---like what Guillermo and me would do.  This really freaked me out because everyone knows the entire Jonas clan has purity rings and Joe would never do stuff like that (maybe he really does and the press doesn't know that yet, but better not to assume he is for now.)

Dream #2:
I go over to Guillermo's house before Christmas to drop off presents to his parents.  His mom is so excited to see me and tells me that Guillermo hasn't been doing good.  I ask why and she tells me he just sleeps, not eating as much, and doesn't go out with anyone anymore.  I start feeling bad for him and she notices my attitude change and tells me to go into his room and wake him up.  I hesitate at first, because I don't know how he would react seeing me after all these weeks, but his mom pushed me to see him.  There I go into his room and he's sound asleep, covered with this huge blanket he likes.  I kneel down and I start running my hand through his hair (like I would always do) and he starts to wake up.  He sees me and smiles at me, then he sits up and ~sweet nibblets!~ it's JOE JONAS!!

So I have certain songs that remind me of Guillermo and right after these dreams I quickly put them on so I can try to forget.  BIG MISTAKE!! Each song reminds me of Guillermo BUT I see Joe. 

This is SO weird!!  So I don't know if that means I'm really forgetting Guillermo OR I'm missing him so much I'm making any celeb into him (self consciously). 

Twilight love baby bella thumper

 It's been a week since I sent Guillermo that email and I have come to realize that he does love me (in a way).  I said I didn't want to see him anymore and he is giving that to me. I haven't heard from him since I sent the email and no amount of tears or Bella huddling will change what I did.  I sometimes regret breaking up with Guillermo, but like Carilly said, I had to do it. 

I started cleaning out my phone messages and I found this text (my title) that he sent me right when he was boarding the plane to Denver back in August.  That week was such a great memory for me, mostly because Guillermo really showed me what it could be like if we were a couple.  Then I started thinking about other times we hung out and I start missing him more.  It's like I have moments when I'm fine, then suddenly something happens (either a song or a ticket, etc) and I start missing him like crazy.  Yes other times I've done the same thing and gotten over it, but this time it's real and I know I won't ever see Guillermo again. 

At this moment, I would give anything to see Guillermo again.  I miss his smile, his constant teasing me, basically everything about him.

In other news...(since I did promise not to just write about Guillermo)
~Sunday: Disneyland
~Saturday: playoff game @ 730pm.  I'll be stalking Will Smith, Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzksy at Cathedral (their sons are playing againt Will's team)
~next Saturday: my friend (and first crush) from elementary school invited me to hear his band play.  Maybe he can be my Jacob to take my mind off of Guillermo but I'm not going to hold my breath.  Right now, I am not emotionally ready for any new guy to be in my life. 

My "Goodbye" letter to Guillermo

After pulling myself semi together for work (I cried from his house to home and all night and all the way to work), I wrote my official break up letter to Guillermo.  Many corrections had to be made but this is it for me.  Being with Guillermo for over a year takes a toll on one, especially with everything we been through.  Yes it was unconventional, untraditional, un-whatever but quoting Jon and Kate Gosselin: "it's our life"  Just like the show, I am calling it quits with Guillermo--not just because for my sanity or because he can't give me what I want (an official relationship), but because I don't want him to feel bad every time he hurts me (if he does).

I thought I would be fine with the reason you gave me but I'm not. You gave up even before we tried, as if you didn't want to try. You know how I feel about you and maybe I should have said those little words but I didn't want to scare you either. I can't be constantly coming over, "playing" around and not feel anything. Maybe WE (yes because it was my fault too) should have not kissed that first night a year ago. Actually I wished WE never did that, then things wouldn't be the way they are now. You said for me not to think about it, just go with it, but one of us has to think of reason and that is me.

I don't want to, but if it will help stop the crying then I have to suck it up and do it. Guillermo, I can't do this anymore. I can't be the one night and while I'm not fooling around with other guys, you're doing that with other girls. I can't see you anymore.

 We can't be friends because we lost that too and you know it. We tried to be just friends but it's not there anymore. I'm sorry and I should have told you this last night but, like you knew, I was holding back the tears. 1 thing I promised myself I wouldn't do in any situation was to cry in front of a guy and I knew if I started to say this, I would have cried.

 I will always remember the good times we had, but most importantly I will always miss you. You will be my first Jacob AND Edward.


One more thing... I love you.

My 2nd crazy dream

For Thanksgiving I was going to give up writing about Guillermo because I realized it was getting too depressing, but I have one more to write and then I'm done. LOL.

So the dream started with me at home, getting ready to have dinner with the family.  My phone rings with his ringtone (7 Things by Miley Cyrus---one of Guillermo's favorite song) and it was him.  It was surprising because I hadn't talked to him since Saturday (when things ended kinda bad) and he never calls me on a major holiday.  He asked how I was doing and I replied "I'm doing fine."  but the only difference was that Guillermo was sounding weird.  I called him out on it and finally Guillermo goes, "Jess I want you to come over." 

Me: "Sure I'll come over but tomorrow I work till 4:30 and Saturday till 5"
G: "No I mean, come over today, for dinner."
Me: "Really? but I'm about to have dinner with my family"
G: "Oh and bring your mom too. My parents want to meet her too."
Me: "You're serious?"
G: "Yes"
Me: "This is so last minute.  I have to change and see what's open so I can buy a pie or something to take over."
G: "Don't worry about that. As long as you're here, you don't have to worry about bringing anything else."
Me: "Okay"

So I tell my mom, we get ready after dinner and about 5ish we arrive at Guillermo's house.  Apparently I had a black dress in my closet because that's what I was wearing.  We go inside and do all the introductions and then go into the dinning room and start eating.  It was kinda ackward at first until his mom starts throwing signs at Guillermo.  I nudge him that his mom was calling him and once looking at his mom, Guillermo starts.

G: "You look really nice today Jess."
Me: "You look nice too Guillermo.  Completely different from how I'm used to seeing you"

Suddenly, Guillermo gets up and runs to his room.  We look at each other (his parents, my mom and me) until he comes back.

G: *standing up and looks at my mom* "Martha, as you know, Jess and I have been dating for over a year now...*I gasp because he remembers how long we were going out.  Oblivious reason this is a dream: Guillermo doesn't remember ANYTHING about us*.....We had our ups and downs, like any couple, and recently we are at our down point.  As with everyone else, I know no matter what we will get back up again. 

*looks at me and holds my hand*  Jess, these past 3 days have been the most eye opening days for me.  I realized now that you had every reason to be upset and jealous.  You weren't angry I went out with friends, but were angry at the fact I went out with other girls because I gave you the idea I was fooling around with them.  I just want you to know, I never fooled around with ANY girl when I'm already with a girl.  I'm sorry I ever gave you that thought and I hope you can forgive me. 

*pulls out a box*  I was going to wait till your birthday but I think this is a good time.  *opens it to show his college ring*  Jessica, I promise to never give you any reason to not trust me.  I promise to always be there for you, through good times and bad. I promise to talk to you through any means at least once a day. I promise I will be a one girl man.  Most importantly, I promise when the time is right and we are both in a position to take the next step, I will take this ring and get you an engagement ring.  Jess, will you accept my promise?

Me: *starts to cry*  You mean? ... a Promise ring?
G: *starts to cry too* Yes.  I realized you are the right girl for me.  I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Me: Yes Guillermo, yes yes a thousand times yes.  I feel the same way about you.  You've always been my Edward.
G: I know.  As you have always been my Bella.


**That's when I woke up because Guillermo would NEVER say that to me, let alone read a Twilight book.**