Happy on the outside, but miserable in the inside and can't figure out why

I finally find the perfect guy...someone that I can have intelligent conversations with and feel so comfortable around.  However, why do I feel like I'm cheating on Guillermo especially after the email he sent back?
Don't get me wrong: I am in love with Ade with my whole heart and soul.  I can't think what life would be like without him and he loves me so much.  He was even willing to come meet me at the mall for 5 minutes, then turn around and head home. What guy would do that for me?
However, I am still in love with Guillermo.  I thought, after emailing him my semi goodbye, it would put a close to our complicated 3 year relationship.  Instead, he replies back and said he will always have a place in him too.  Then we are talking back and forth on Facebook (darn Facebook!) for over a week and I make such a huge mistake.
Guillermo tells me he hopes Ade treats me well and much better than he did.  Which is true, but I tell him "Ade has one flaw: he's not you." Why the hell did I say that!! Do I even know what Guillermo has that Ade doesn't? No.
Mistake #2: During our last conversation, I tell Guillermo I miss him texting me.  Am I doomed to mess up my wonderful and loving relationship with Ade, just to go back to a miserable, loveless relationship with Guillermo? What is wrong with me?

It's been a while again

It’s been a while since I last posted a blog and many things have happened since.

1. I fell in love 

2. I fell back in love

3. I fell out of writing

4. I lost my job

First time, in a long time, I fell in love with the most amazing and caring guy ever.  Any girl would be so lucky to have a guy like him (and I would be hating those girls too) and he choose me..at Disneyland of all places.  I had just restorted to living the single, Guillermo-free life that I had so desperately tried to go back to for the past 4 months. Now I can officially say, and still can’t belive it, that Ade is my boyfriend for over a month now. 

Second, Guillermo comes back into the picture.  At the Mount, I would critize and make fun of those girls that would cry over a guy but as soon as they would come back, the girls would drop everything to go back. I didn’t drop everything (or Ade) to go back to Guillermo, but we did have a long facebook conversation.  I still wish he would admit his feelings to me, but in some strange way this is Guillermo showing how much he loves me: by letting me go and be happy with the one that’s giving me what I want and need.  I still wish he would fight for me though, but I know Guillermo too well and fighting is something he doesn’t do.  I admitted to him before Guillermo left to Denver and hopefully it will make him realize I still care for him: I am truly happy and in love with Ade, but he is not Guillermo because there is that one thing Guillermo has.  Guillermo asked me what that was and, still to this day, I don’t know what that is.  

Yes I thought about it for a couple of days, but I went back to being Ade’s girl and carried on with everything.  

Another thing is my writing. Can you belive this is the longest thing I have written since April? Some reason, since NKOTBSB concert and Disneyland, I have not written in my novel.  What began as a therapy session for me during the Guillermo time became my new obession and I wanted to finish it by my birthday.  However, I cannot find myself to write the novel anymore.  It hit me today: the novel, and much of my stories, have been about Guillermo! This new novel that I worked on for the longest time, was about him and now that I’m with Ade, I can’t find myself writing it anymore.  

Hitting a fork in the road..both literally and metaphically (ok I can't spell either!)

Why am I already having my mid life crisis?  Ok, I've been in one since I turned 25 but this is really bad.  First, I'm changing my novel AND haven't written in weeks.  THEN, I go out with Guillermo after 3 months of not seeing him and I am driving myself crazy thinking about him.  To make it worst, I'm also thinking about Juan too!! What's going on with me!?

I guess deep down I am still hoping for something between Guillermo and me.  Yes I realized he's never gonna choose me (plus I'm not his type apparently...I don't have common sense, or brunette.  Apparently he thinks my life's full of drama and blah blah blah) and I'm fine with that (I'm not gonna beg or do crazy stuff just to get him to pick me). 

Maybe my life's just too complicated and he sees that as a major problem.  Ideally, I should not go out with him anymore and make Guillermo forget me.  More ideally, I should have freakin' stop talking to him when we broke up!  Okay, better yet...I should have listened to Ana and Kiki and left Guillermo before he kissed me.  Realistically, however, I already shown I can't let Guillermo go.  Sadly, he's a part of my life (just like Bestie and my really closest friends) and I don't want to lose him.  Crazy since he treats me harshly while playing around with my emotions. 

I thought writing my novel would help make the transition easier but it just made it worst.  The wedding scene between Carlos and Lizzy was so bad I had to practically kill off Lizzy because I couldn't deal with it.  I hate the way Guillermo makes me feel and I wish I didn't go out with him Saturday, just to get a stupid Twilight candy box!

Being a writer is harder than I thought!

My main New Year's resolution was to restart my writing career.  What career you ask? Before the whole Guillermo thing, I was in the process of writing my own little stories from my RPing days.  Then it went on a whole other direction and currently have about 7 unfinished stories that I never completed.  Therefore, my resolution is to finish at least one story before June 1st. 
Surprisingly, I did really well with my story because every day (at work and home) I'm writing at least 10-15 minutes. 

The story that I picked: the story about Guillermo and me (with all the drama in between!).  I figured it would be like a therapy session for me and (cross fingers!) help me get over him.  I was SUPER wrong! It took me forever to write the first time we kissed (wasn't it supposed to be a happy time for me?) and now I'm having the same trouble with the Denver scene (aka: Guillermo actually treating me like a girlfriend). 

Taking a break from figuring out this confusing account

It has happened...Carilly FINALLY got Marcus to be her Facebook friend and already they are hitting it off as I suspected. LOL.  Good for me because I have my own personal snooper to see what Marcus is (and isn't) hiding from me.  An advantage is if he wants to do something for me, he'll ask Carilly and in turn tell me about it.  LOL. Yes I am bad but I don't do well with surprises.

Bored, sick and just not feeling my happy old self

For the past month, I've been so excited for my birthday.  I don't know why, but some reason number 28 was THE ONE.  I told everyone and had my own little countdown at work and home.  Ocassionally I had my moment of doubt (aka: letting the family get to me, money problems, friends) but I got over it and carried on in my birthday countdown.  It wasn't until my actual week of my birthday that thinks went down.  Monday I was supposed to go to Disneyland with Rebecca and Gaby (who I'm still a tad hurt she's best friends with Rebecca when in the past she couldn't stand her and now goes to Disneyland with her without me).  It was raining but I was still going with them until Gaby finally cancelled and decided to go next week.  Both her and Rebecca are in school so they still have a week's vacation. I, however, have an actual job that makes me work everyday (except Mondays and Fridays) and since next week was a busy (yeah right!) week, I couldn't take time off. What do they do? They go to Disneyland yesterday and then in February we'll go.  You know darn well things will happen from now to February and we will not go.  So I have resorted to go with my aunt Saturday (who doesn't like to get on rides).

Next, I had the worst birthday ever in the history of birthdays.  If I knew I was not going to get any presents on my birthday, I would not have opened my only 2 presents from Carilly and Marcus (I mean Guillermo -- love how I changed his name!).  Then we go visit my uncle and his family after visiting my aunt and the boys.  We ended up staying the entire day with my uncle (when we were supposed to be there for a bit then go home and have my traditional birthday dinner) and not having my dinner.  Worst, I didn't have a birthday cake! You know I was crying all night (except when my aunt surprised me with one at 10:30pm).  Sunday I had lunch with my dad and stepmom (which, surprisingly wasn't bad because it was just them and not the rest of the family. My tia, however, had to throw in on her card her sassy comment).  No birthday dinner that night from my mom again. I got my dinner Monday night (and a new cake) but supposedly I'm having a nicer birthday dinner next month. 

HOWEVER..
My birthday wasn't all that bad. Guillermo texted me the week before my birthday, out of the blue.  He remembered my birthday (which surprised me because he never remembers anything) AND he actually had a gift for me. I was so excited all last week, waiting for Friday when I was going over his house.  It was like old times between us because things weren't weird or anything like the last time I saw him.  So much that right after texting Carilly that things between us were perfect (just friends), we go back to the same situation as before. Only difference: I leave right after the fact (mostly to go pick up my mom but still).  What does this all mean? I have no clue.

it's been a while but hopefully back to updates a week

A lot has happened since the last time I posted on this thing but at least it will make for a better (and longer!) blog. LOL.

I. Guillermo:
Haven't talked to him in months (which "normal" people would consider to be a good thing).  Yes I have missed talking to him and on several occassions wanted to text him, but surprisingly I have good will power.  I think this is finally it between us.  Last year, around this time, I was torn with breaking up with him because of his comments and thought I would never get over him.  Now, I can go on without Guillermo and I'm starting to be happy again.  I know Mike (aka: my BSB Ace friend) had posed the question "can you live without him?" when I was ranting to him about Guillermo and at the time I thought "no of course not." Now that I think about it, I am living without Guillermo in my life and I'm fine. Do I wish I can share some stuff with Guillermo? Yes, but until he realizes he can't have things go both ways (be friends AND have an intimate relationship), I'm not talking to him.  Plus it doesn't seem like it bothers him because he has a new "best friend" girl in his life.  Yes, I have been replaced and it bothers me, but I'm not budging.  Maybe this Vegas trip will be more interesting...hmm...

II. The other family drama
Apparently this drama (over a phone mind you!) has now become MY FAULT. I told Robert (mind you, I texted him back in April) about the possibility of his phone being lost and I would pay him back if it was.  He never responded back to me and this whole issue continued on until 2 months ago when my aunts "decided" to pay my mom and I a visit. I was very weary of this sudden visit because the week before I called my dad.  My grandpa (who I haven't seen in years because of my family) came down to visit and asked about me.  Then I get a frantic call from my grandpa and when I called him back, my grandpa was very upset and kept insisting if I was ok.  This pissed me off because I didn't know what my aunts had told him and I called my dad, upset of course, to find out what they said about me.  My dad calls back, assuring me no one told my grandpa anything about me, but I was still upset over this whole thing.  Then my mom text my dad and told him to do something about this situation (against my knowledge of course) and sure enough he did.  Hence, the visit and pie. (LOL).
So it was going well until my aunt started with her "well the main reason we're here is to talk about what's going on." There I go with forcefully putting my fork down and waiting to hear it.  Of course it turned into "well you know, putting stuff on facebook is not right" and "we were very concern about you from what we heard" and (this is my favorite) "I did not want to bother with you so I didn't invite you to my birthday dinner".  Oh how much I wanted to tell them off at that moment, but for the sake of my mom (and the neighbor), I kept my mouth shut, looked down, rolled my eyes, and just took it like a girl.  Don't you love how family can turn something around and make you look like the bad guy?  Oh but they couldn't stop praising my crack-hore of a half cousin.  Yes I can truly say that because that's what she is. She shacked up with 2 guys, taking drugs and the family didn't like that.  Then she cleans up her act, starts coming around more, actually dates the guy and the family treats her like the golden child.  Do I have to do that to get some recognition from that family?

What I learned from this "intervention" of sorts? I'm a bother to the family, I have to be a crack-hore like the "cousin", and this whole thing is my fault and I need to apologize to Robert.  Even though I already admitted my fault and took responsibility for losing the phone, I need to apologize to him for not talking to him.  Am I missing something here?

I hope December will be a much better month for me (free of Guillermo, the other family and other stuff) and 2011 will be a much better year (no Bella in the woods, no Guillermo, no other family).