In other news...

I finally set up the email so I can email my rants while "pretending" to work. LOL.
So yesterday I came back to work after being off for a week (my mom was sick so I was the one to stay and take care of her.) and surprising I found I was feeling better...HERE...AT WORK! That's really scary for two reasons:

1. I enjoy the TONS of emails that I get everyday (even when I'm not here) for research requests
2. the STACKS of papers that I have to input into the computer (which is what I'm supposed to be doing right now...heheh)

I don't know if I made work my escape from my personal life. Maybe I did because I was spending so much time at home (which is not that great as it is) in the Bella position (I gave up calling it the Bella curled up in a ball in the woods because after the 2nd week of doing that, everyone knows what it is.) Anyway, I found myself just now doodling and like what I used to do in school I start handwriting (or what Mrs Sanchez called it "cursive") my full name. THEN I suddenly looked and I also wrote Guillermo's full name too under my name. At least I didn't start writing my name with his last name because I might have screamed and everyone here at work would have thought I was crazy. LOL.

So today is Dia de los Reyes: Three Kings Day and I think the official date when the Christmas season is over. It's been a while since I took a religion class so I'm rusty on the whole Catholic rules and stuff (and now my grandma's rolling in her grave). Apparently the new year brings more family celebrations because after work my mom and I are going to my tia's house to do the traditional cutting of the rosco (cake) and find out who gets the baby. Yes, tradition goes that a baby is put into the cake and whoever gets the baby has to throw a party in March. Of course in these times, a party will just be a nice dinner. Let's hope I don't get the baby because I can't cook or have the funds to have a dinner. LOL.

New post of 2010..YAY!

I wanted to post something right at midnight but instead I went out for a small family party.  Of course we have cousins that like to party till the wee hours of the morning and the fact that I was sleeping on the couch at 2:30am didn't give them the hint to leave. LOL.

So I get there and the family's there, along with a friend that I never met before.  Immediate reaction: Robert's setting me up with this guy. I'm gonna kill him. That's me jumping the gun of course but luckily it wasn't and it was a good thing too. That guy didn't even talk to me that whole night.  Thank goodness he left to another party because he was just weird. 

I had made a promise (more like the New Years resolution that everyone makes at midnight but never keep) that the new year I wouldn't continue on my depression and just live pre-Guillermo.  Did I do that? Of course not! New Year's Day, I spent a good hour (plus I was too lazy and tired to go upstairs and see if anyone was awake.  I had spent the night at my tia's house) curled up in the Bella position until Robert (my uncle and the only one besides Carilly that knows what really happened) literally pulled me out of bed (plus my dad and stepmother were coming over with food and if they saw me like that I would have to go through all the questions). 

Before I was viciously pulled out of bed, I laid there crying (yet again) and wondered if I should text him back.  I didn't of course but I've been so tempted to text him, hoping he will say something that will give me hope he's miserable too but he's a guy and guys don't care if they don't have a certain girl with them.  They can go out and find other girls to fill a void, unlike me who can't do that because it's wrong.

This morning I had a dream and thinking about it, maybe it's a sign that things are going to get better.  It was at nighttime and I don't know if we were at the Pier or on the beach or where exactly, but there were lights (like we were at a carnival or something. That's why I thought it was at the Pier).  I was crying and telling Guillermo how much I've missed him, as my friend, and how everything was not the same because I knew I lost him.  He was crying too and he said he felt the same way too, that he was missing a part of him and then pulled me in and kissed me.  It wasn't like any regular kiss, but it was the way he kissed me the night we went to Pershing Square.  That's when I woke up because I could feel the tears starting up. 

I had said this year was going to be different, but so far I'm still the same like last year. Now I just realized that for the next 5 months (February-June) there would be no chance for any type of reconciliation because those months are prom season and Guillermo's gonna be working so much.  In a way, I hope something will happen this month but maybe this has to happen so we can completely move on from each other. 

2009 review (part III of many)

It was strange on this day (I don't know what the significance of December 30th or the number 30 or what) that I start thinking about Juan.  To recap, Juan was my first guy I went out with AND the first one to lose everything to.  Anyway, I started thinking about him and how the "relationship" (I say "relationship" because we really didn't have a "relationship," more like "I'm bored so let's have sex" type) was and what it could have been.  Then I again start thinking about how Guillermo came in and (in his own strange way) "rescued" me from that.  Yes I would have stopped the Juan "relationship" on my own (I put a year's difference seeing him and this last time was it for me) but Guillermo was there to help me get passed it.  Why was I thinking about it I don't know.  Maybe because I have Guillermo's present floating in the back of the car? Who knows.

Maybe since I'm home taking care of my mom, I'm finding more time to sleep and think about things.  I tweeted yesterday how it could be my grandma causing my mom's pneunomia to get me distracted from the whole Guillermo thing but I would think it would be a cruel thing to do. 
A. Without a strong immune system I can catch pretty much anything (for example, the mild Swine Flu from October)
B. My mom, being sickly as it is, could get worst and ....you know

Can you believe I actually want to go back to work so I can get my mind off of my personal, screwed up life? Like everyone has been saying this week, I can't wait to see what happens in 2010.  I want things to be different, exciting, and full of happiness.  I would love to have a wonderful 2010 with Guillermo (who I still think with that one small part of me is my one) but if that's not meant to be, then I have to try to move on and find someone else.  Maybe find a better, full time job or even start grad school (but MSMC will probably won't let me get transcripts till 2011), but most importantly MOVE OUT!

2009 review (part II of many)

Yes I will be having MANY parts of 2009 reviews on here so too bad!! LOL.

Since I won't be invited to any New Years Eve parties (and why would I want to go and watch everyone snuggle with their loved ones and get their New Years kiss which I will never get or probably could have if I didn't break up with Guillermo --- sweet nibblets! Doing it again. LOL) I figure I would have my own little one person party and just hang out in my room watching movies or blogging or actually (for reals!) clean the room. 

Now that I am a single woman in my late 20s (sweet nibblets! I can't believe I'm that boring now.  I wonder if I was always like that pre-Guillermo....hmm...) I should already be living the typical life: living on one's own, having a career one loves, dating/engaged....but of course with the rest of my life I'm not the typical girl.  It seems like everyone else has the better luck but not me---maybe I have some family curse, who knows.

Anyway, this is my deep thinking for the week.  :) 

2009 review (part I of many)

What did I learn from 2009?

1. Never give your heart to someone, they will break it
2. Listen to your guts (and BFFs) when they tell you to dump the guy from the beginning.
3. When you spend the night crying over the guy, you should dump him
4. If he acts very romantic and sweet, it's usually an act to get in your pants
5. Never believe a word he says. 99.9% of the time he's lying

AKA: This is what Guillermo has taught me in 2009 and it took my last night in his room after Thanksgiving to realize that. 

My 27th birthday was supposed to be a happy one.  I was spending it with my dad's family for the first time in years and I went to Disneyland for the first time in years (yes I've been there before obliviously but never on my birthday!).  A couple of days before Friday, of course, I texted Guillermo to ask about dropping off a present to his parents (who I adore and plus I don't know if they know what we'd been doing in Guillermo's room so better to play it safe and be extra nice to them).  We started texting each other back and he asked if I was going to Disneyland this weekend. I said no because I work Saturday but I was going on my actual birthday. He then surprised me by saying "Am I invited?"  By habit, I guess, I told him sure and he asked what time and who was going.  After mentioning my mom was going, he said "oh I better not. It might be akward."  Big mistake coming up because I then said, "True but really since I'm not staying long at Disneyland why don't you come to my dinner party instead."  Guillermo then replies, "I don't know. It might be weird."  My last response to him was, "It won't be because my family knows you since I talk about you. They won't make you feel weird."  That's all it took for me to get my hopes up and start thinking he was really going to make an effort to make things work. Boy was I wrong and I spent the last 3 hours of my birthday laying in bed, crying.

WTF? Guillermo AS Joe Jonas? Yikes!!

Yes you read right! For the past day, I have been dreaming about yours truly JOE JONAS (and who wouldn't want to dream about him ~*sigh*) but not like perfect, kind Joe Jonas.  This Joe Jonas is acting EXACTLY like Guillermo and it has freaked me out so much (not that much that I would stop obsessing over the Jonas Brothers~there is still 1 that is available and 2 that I can like :) ).  I will recreate the first dream that started this craziness.

Dream #1:
We are on the set of JONAS (only the BEST show on Disney of course!) and I am Stella's other BFF, Liz (of course also very cute in my school uniform!) and we all are hanging out in the hallway, which on the show they always do.  The group includes Joe, Kevin, Nick, and Macy, plus us.  Anyway, Joe being the firtly one, is being his extra adorable self again (in which Stella and I are equally being adorable back, but I'm also throwing in a bit of sarcasm and joking around too---which Joe takes an extra interest in too) but after a while the three of us decides that in order to save our friendship, he can't choose with girl to go out with or even date.  Stella and I agree and our group continues their laughing and happiness in the hallway until we go to class. 

Now Joe and I have the same class so we go off together, still playing and joking around.  How convienent we have orchestra as a class (LOL) and Joe and I usually stay behind after class to help put the instruments away. Somehow (plus I am clumsy) I slip and fall behind the tuba and Joe starts laughing.  I'm laughing too and tell him to come help me up.  He comes over and ends up falling on top of me and we're both laughing so hard on the floor until he stops and kisses me! (YIKES!).  I of course try to be the reasonable one (hint: I said that to Guillermo when I broke up with him) but Joe said, "Why? Didn't you want me to kiss you?" (hint: Guillermo told me that when we first fought).  I just nodded and agreed that yes I wanted to kiss him for the longest time (hint: I told Guillermo that after we first kissed at LAX) and then we started kissing some more. 

It was easy to hide our relationship from the group, especially Stella, because nothing had changed between Joe and me.  We still teased and joked around but when we were alone, then there was the occassional kissing BUT this is where it got weird.  Joe's room was not in the firehouse like the show.  Joe's room WAS Guillermo's room---down to every last detail that I can remember from his room.  So Joe takes me to his room and yada yada---like what Guillermo and me would do.  This really freaked me out because everyone knows the entire Jonas clan has purity rings and Joe would never do stuff like that (maybe he really does and the press doesn't know that yet, but better not to assume he is for now.)

Dream #2:
I go over to Guillermo's house before Christmas to drop off presents to his parents.  His mom is so excited to see me and tells me that Guillermo hasn't been doing good.  I ask why and she tells me he just sleeps, not eating as much, and doesn't go out with anyone anymore.  I start feeling bad for him and she notices my attitude change and tells me to go into his room and wake him up.  I hesitate at first, because I don't know how he would react seeing me after all these weeks, but his mom pushed me to see him.  There I go into his room and he's sound asleep, covered with this huge blanket he likes.  I kneel down and I start running my hand through his hair (like I would always do) and he starts to wake up.  He sees me and smiles at me, then he sits up and ~sweet nibblets!~ it's JOE JONAS!!

So I have certain songs that remind me of Guillermo and right after these dreams I quickly put them on so I can try to forget.  BIG MISTAKE!! Each song reminds me of Guillermo BUT I see Joe. 

This is SO weird!!  So I don't know if that means I'm really forgetting Guillermo OR I'm missing him so much I'm making any celeb into him (self consciously). 

Twilight love baby bella thumper

 It's been a week since I sent Guillermo that email and I have come to realize that he does love me (in a way).  I said I didn't want to see him anymore and he is giving that to me. I haven't heard from him since I sent the email and no amount of tears or Bella huddling will change what I did.  I sometimes regret breaking up with Guillermo, but like Carilly said, I had to do it. 

I started cleaning out my phone messages and I found this text (my title) that he sent me right when he was boarding the plane to Denver back in August.  That week was such a great memory for me, mostly because Guillermo really showed me what it could be like if we were a couple.  Then I started thinking about other times we hung out and I start missing him more.  It's like I have moments when I'm fine, then suddenly something happens (either a song or a ticket, etc) and I start missing him like crazy.  Yes other times I've done the same thing and gotten over it, but this time it's real and I know I won't ever see Guillermo again. 

At this moment, I would give anything to see Guillermo again.  I miss his smile, his constant teasing me, basically everything about him.

In other news...(since I did promise not to just write about Guillermo)
~Sunday: Disneyland
~Saturday: playoff game @ 730pm.  I'll be stalking Will Smith, Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzksy at Cathedral (their sons are playing againt Will's team)
~next Saturday: my friend (and first crush) from elementary school invited me to hear his band play.  Maybe he can be my Jacob to take my mind off of Guillermo but I'm not going to hold my breath.  Right now, I am not emotionally ready for any new guy to be in my life.