Why am I already having my mid life crisis? Ok, I've been in one since I turned 25 but this is really bad. First, I'm changing my novel AND haven't written in weeks. THEN, I go out with Guillermo after 3 months of not seeing him and I am driving myself crazy thinking about him. To make it worst, I'm also thinking about Juan too!! What's going on with me!?
I guess deep down I am still hoping for something between Guillermo and me. Yes I realized he's never gonna choose me (plus I'm not his type apparently...I don't have common sense, or brunette. Apparently he thinks my life's full of drama and blah blah blah) and I'm fine with that (I'm not gonna beg or do crazy stuff just to get him to pick me).
Maybe my life's just too complicated and he sees that as a major problem. Ideally, I should not go out with him anymore and make Guillermo forget me. More ideally, I should have freakin' stop talking to him when we broke up! Okay, better yet...I should have listened to Ana and Kiki and left Guillermo before he kissed me. Realistically, however, I already shown I can't let Guillermo go. Sadly, he's a part of my life (just like Bestie and my really closest friends) and I don't want to lose him. Crazy since he treats me harshly while playing around with my emotions.
I thought writing my novel would help make the transition easier but it just made it worst. The wedding scene between Carlos and Lizzy was so bad I had to practically kill off Lizzy because I couldn't deal with it. I hate the way Guillermo makes me feel and I wish I didn't go out with him Saturday, just to get a stupid Twilight candy box!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Being a writer is harder than I thought!
My main New Year's resolution was to restart my writing career. What career you ask? Before the whole Guillermo thing, I was in the process of writing my own little stories from my RPing days. Then it went on a whole other direction and currently have about 7 unfinished stories that I never completed. Therefore, my resolution is to finish at least one story before June 1st.
Surprisingly, I did really well with my story because every day (at work and home) I'm writing at least 10-15 minutes.
The story that I picked: the story about Guillermo and me (with all the drama in between!). I figured it would be like a therapy session for me and (cross fingers!) help me get over him. I was SUPER wrong! It took me forever to write the first time we kissed (wasn't it supposed to be a happy time for me?) and now I'm having the same trouble with the Denver scene (aka: Guillermo actually treating me like a girlfriend).
Surprisingly, I did really well with my story because every day (at work and home) I'm writing at least 10-15 minutes.
The story that I picked: the story about Guillermo and me (with all the drama in between!). I figured it would be like a therapy session for me and (cross fingers!) help me get over him. I was SUPER wrong! It took me forever to write the first time we kissed (wasn't it supposed to be a happy time for me?) and now I'm having the same trouble with the Denver scene (aka: Guillermo actually treating me like a girlfriend).
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Taking a break from figuring out this confusing account
It has happened...Carilly FINALLY got Marcus to be her Facebook friend and already they are hitting it off as I suspected. LOL. Good for me because I have my own personal snooper to see what Marcus is (and isn't) hiding from me. An advantage is if he wants to do something for me, he'll ask Carilly and in turn tell me about it. LOL. Yes I am bad but I don't do well with surprises.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Bored, sick and just not feeling my happy old self
For the past month, I've been so excited for my birthday. I don't know why, but some reason number 28 was THE ONE. I told everyone and had my own little countdown at work and home. Ocassionally I had my moment of doubt (aka: letting the family get to me, money problems, friends) but I got over it and carried on in my birthday countdown. It wasn't until my actual week of my birthday that thinks went down. Monday I was supposed to go to Disneyland with Rebecca and Gaby (who I'm still a tad hurt she's best friends with Rebecca when in the past she couldn't stand her and now goes to Disneyland with her without me). It was raining but I was still going with them until Gaby finally cancelled and decided to go next week. Both her and Rebecca are in school so they still have a week's vacation. I, however, have an actual job that makes me work everyday (except Mondays and Fridays) and since next week was a busy (yeah right!) week, I couldn't take time off. What do they do? They go to Disneyland yesterday and then in February we'll go. You know darn well things will happen from now to February and we will not go. So I have resorted to go with my aunt Saturday (who doesn't like to get on rides).
Next, I had the worst birthday ever in the history of birthdays. If I knew I was not going to get any presents on my birthday, I would not have opened my only 2 presents from Carilly and Marcus (I mean Guillermo -- love how I changed his name!). Then we go visit my uncle and his family after visiting my aunt and the boys. We ended up staying the entire day with my uncle (when we were supposed to be there for a bit then go home and have my traditional birthday dinner) and not having my dinner. Worst, I didn't have a birthday cake! You know I was crying all night (except when my aunt surprised me with one at 10:30pm). Sunday I had lunch with my dad and stepmom (which, surprisingly wasn't bad because it was just them and not the rest of the family. My tia, however, had to throw in on her card her sassy comment). No birthday dinner that night from my mom again. I got my dinner Monday night (and a new cake) but supposedly I'm having a nicer birthday dinner next month.
HOWEVER..
My birthday wasn't all that bad. Guillermo texted me the week before my birthday, out of the blue. He remembered my birthday (which surprised me because he never remembers anything) AND he actually had a gift for me. I was so excited all last week, waiting for Friday when I was going over his house. It was like old times between us because things weren't weird or anything like the last time I saw him. So much that right after texting Carilly that things between us were perfect (just friends), we go back to the same situation as before. Only difference: I leave right after the fact (mostly to go pick up my mom but still). What does this all mean? I have no clue.
Next, I had the worst birthday ever in the history of birthdays. If I knew I was not going to get any presents on my birthday, I would not have opened my only 2 presents from Carilly and Marcus (I mean Guillermo -- love how I changed his name!). Then we go visit my uncle and his family after visiting my aunt and the boys. We ended up staying the entire day with my uncle (when we were supposed to be there for a bit then go home and have my traditional birthday dinner) and not having my dinner. Worst, I didn't have a birthday cake! You know I was crying all night (except when my aunt surprised me with one at 10:30pm). Sunday I had lunch with my dad and stepmom (which, surprisingly wasn't bad because it was just them and not the rest of the family. My tia, however, had to throw in on her card her sassy comment). No birthday dinner that night from my mom again. I got my dinner Monday night (and a new cake) but supposedly I'm having a nicer birthday dinner next month.
HOWEVER..
My birthday wasn't all that bad. Guillermo texted me the week before my birthday, out of the blue. He remembered my birthday (which surprised me because he never remembers anything) AND he actually had a gift for me. I was so excited all last week, waiting for Friday when I was going over his house. It was like old times between us because things weren't weird or anything like the last time I saw him. So much that right after texting Carilly that things between us were perfect (just friends), we go back to the same situation as before. Only difference: I leave right after the fact (mostly to go pick up my mom but still). What does this all mean? I have no clue.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
it's been a while but hopefully back to updates a week
A lot has happened since the last time I posted on this thing but at least it will make for a better (and longer!) blog. LOL.
I. Guillermo:
Haven't talked to him in months (which "normal" people would consider to be a good thing). Yes I have missed talking to him and on several occassions wanted to text him, but surprisingly I have good will power. I think this is finally it between us. Last year, around this time, I was torn with breaking up with him because of his comments and thought I would never get over him. Now, I can go on without Guillermo and I'm starting to be happy again. I know Mike (aka: my BSB Ace friend) had posed the question "can you live without him?" when I was ranting to him about Guillermo and at the time I thought "no of course not." Now that I think about it, I am living without Guillermo in my life and I'm fine. Do I wish I can share some stuff with Guillermo? Yes, but until he realizes he can't have things go both ways (be friends AND have an intimate relationship), I'm not talking to him. Plus it doesn't seem like it bothers him because he has a new "best friend" girl in his life. Yes, I have been replaced and it bothers me, but I'm not budging. Maybe this Vegas trip will be more interesting...hmm...
II. The other family drama
Apparently this drama (over a phone mind you!) has now become MY FAULT. I told Robert (mind you, I texted him back in April) about the possibility of his phone being lost and I would pay him back if it was. He never responded back to me and this whole issue continued on until 2 months ago when my aunts "decided" to pay my mom and I a visit. I was very weary of this sudden visit because the week before I called my dad. My grandpa (who I haven't seen in years because of my family) came down to visit and asked about me. Then I get a frantic call from my grandpa and when I called him back, my grandpa was very upset and kept insisting if I was ok. This pissed me off because I didn't know what my aunts had told him and I called my dad, upset of course, to find out what they said about me. My dad calls back, assuring me no one told my grandpa anything about me, but I was still upset over this whole thing. Then my mom text my dad and told him to do something about this situation (against my knowledge of course) and sure enough he did. Hence, the visit and pie. (LOL).
So it was going well until my aunt started with her "well the main reason we're here is to talk about what's going on." There I go with forcefully putting my fork down and waiting to hear it. Of course it turned into "well you know, putting stuff on facebook is not right" and "we were very concern about you from what we heard" and (this is my favorite) "I did not want to bother with you so I didn't invite you to my birthday dinner". Oh how much I wanted to tell them off at that moment, but for the sake of my mom (and the neighbor), I kept my mouth shut, looked down, rolled my eyes, and just took it like a girl. Don't you love how family can turn something around and make you look like the bad guy? Oh but they couldn't stop praising my crack-hore of a half cousin. Yes I can truly say that because that's what she is. She shacked up with 2 guys, taking drugs and the family didn't like that. Then she cleans up her act, starts coming around more, actually dates the guy and the family treats her like the golden child. Do I have to do that to get some recognition from that family?
What I learned from this "intervention" of sorts? I'm a bother to the family, I have to be a crack-hore like the "cousin", and this whole thing is my fault and I need to apologize to Robert. Even though I already admitted my fault and took responsibility for losing the phone, I need to apologize to him for not talking to him. Am I missing something here?
I hope December will be a much better month for me (free of Guillermo, the other family and other stuff) and 2011 will be a much better year (no Bella in the woods, no Guillermo, no other family).
I. Guillermo:
Haven't talked to him in months (which "normal" people would consider to be a good thing). Yes I have missed talking to him and on several occassions wanted to text him, but surprisingly I have good will power. I think this is finally it between us. Last year, around this time, I was torn with breaking up with him because of his comments and thought I would never get over him. Now, I can go on without Guillermo and I'm starting to be happy again. I know Mike (aka: my BSB Ace friend) had posed the question "can you live without him?" when I was ranting to him about Guillermo and at the time I thought "no of course not." Now that I think about it, I am living without Guillermo in my life and I'm fine. Do I wish I can share some stuff with Guillermo? Yes, but until he realizes he can't have things go both ways (be friends AND have an intimate relationship), I'm not talking to him. Plus it doesn't seem like it bothers him because he has a new "best friend" girl in his life. Yes, I have been replaced and it bothers me, but I'm not budging. Maybe this Vegas trip will be more interesting...hmm...
II. The other family drama
Apparently this drama (over a phone mind you!) has now become MY FAULT. I told Robert (mind you, I texted him back in April) about the possibility of his phone being lost and I would pay him back if it was. He never responded back to me and this whole issue continued on until 2 months ago when my aunts "decided" to pay my mom and I a visit. I was very weary of this sudden visit because the week before I called my dad. My grandpa (who I haven't seen in years because of my family) came down to visit and asked about me. Then I get a frantic call from my grandpa and when I called him back, my grandpa was very upset and kept insisting if I was ok. This pissed me off because I didn't know what my aunts had told him and I called my dad, upset of course, to find out what they said about me. My dad calls back, assuring me no one told my grandpa anything about me, but I was still upset over this whole thing. Then my mom text my dad and told him to do something about this situation (against my knowledge of course) and sure enough he did. Hence, the visit and pie. (LOL).
So it was going well until my aunt started with her "well the main reason we're here is to talk about what's going on." There I go with forcefully putting my fork down and waiting to hear it. Of course it turned into "well you know, putting stuff on facebook is not right" and "we were very concern about you from what we heard" and (this is my favorite) "I did not want to bother with you so I didn't invite you to my birthday dinner". Oh how much I wanted to tell them off at that moment, but for the sake of my mom (and the neighbor), I kept my mouth shut, looked down, rolled my eyes, and just took it like a girl. Don't you love how family can turn something around and make you look like the bad guy? Oh but they couldn't stop praising my crack-hore of a half cousin. Yes I can truly say that because that's what she is. She shacked up with 2 guys, taking drugs and the family didn't like that. Then she cleans up her act, starts coming around more, actually dates the guy and the family treats her like the golden child. Do I have to do that to get some recognition from that family?
What I learned from this "intervention" of sorts? I'm a bother to the family, I have to be a crack-hore like the "cousin", and this whole thing is my fault and I need to apologize to Robert. Even though I already admitted my fault and took responsibility for losing the phone, I need to apologize to him for not talking to him. Am I missing something here?
I hope December will be a much better month for me (free of Guillermo, the other family and other stuff) and 2011 will be a much better year (no Bella in the woods, no Guillermo, no other family).
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Update to my last post
I have decided to let Guillermo go. Well, unofficially I have (since our relationship is still in the unofficial status). For the 2 years we have been going out, Guillermo always said how he loves Denver and wishes he could go back. He went to school out there so it's understandable why he feels so attached to Denver. The last time we went out, Guillermo was saying how he gets his mind set on doing something for him and then something happens and he puts his life on hold to fix it. It got me thinking: what if one of the reasons he is staying is me? Crazy thinking, yes I know because I don't mean anything to him but I have a small feeling it could be. I remember last year, before he went on his weekend trip back to Colorado, I made a big thing that I was never gonna see him again. Now that I'm older (wiser maybe?), I realized I should have just let him go. I don't want to be the reason Guillermo can't live out his dream and if it ever came down to it, I would give up my happiness for him to be happy.
Of course Guillermo would never ask me that, or even think about it, but I'm already preparing myself for that situation. Maybe that's why it's kinda been easy for me to be apart from him this long. Though I still have my moments of missing (and crying) over him, I've been pretty good about not texting him or anything.
Of course Guillermo would never ask me that, or even think about it, but I'm already preparing myself for that situation. Maybe that's why it's kinda been easy for me to be apart from him this long. Though I still have my moments of missing (and crying) over him, I've been pretty good about not texting him or anything.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Very impressed with myself lately :) GOLD STARS!!
Here's a recap of what's going on:
1. Guillermo and me fell back into our old thing.
2. Guilllermo goes and makes things weird between us by forcing me to be around his friends (who clearly don't like me)
3. The friends I met were girls he works with and clearly were flirting with him (both pre-drinking, buzzed, and wasted)
4. Guillermo and me haven't talked since the drinking party, but just quick little FB posts
5. It's not the same anymore between us after our one night stand (if that's what you would call it)
6. I'm not missing Guillermo like I used to before..I'm actually enjoying not having to worry about what to wear to go out
7. Am I NOT in love with Guillermo anymore?
and #8: I am still in love with him.
Why am I still in love with him, though he made our relationship weird and doesn't want to do anything with me anymore? Same reason why I couldn't break up with him last year and why I couldn't leave him 2 years ago.
I want to say I am over him, but he does things that surprises me. Like this weekend when I threw my mom her surprise 50th birthday party, Guillermo left me a FB message wishing my mom a happy birthday. He NEVER did that before. Of course there's the causal FB comments but that's the extent of our conversations. Even the comments are kinda weird because Guillermo's not teasing me. I don't know with this guy: should I give up or keep holding on?
1. Guillermo and me fell back into our old thing.
2. Guilllermo goes and makes things weird between us by forcing me to be around his friends (who clearly don't like me)
3. The friends I met were girls he works with and clearly were flirting with him (both pre-drinking, buzzed, and wasted)
4. Guillermo and me haven't talked since the drinking party, but just quick little FB posts
5. It's not the same anymore between us after our one night stand (if that's what you would call it)
6. I'm not missing Guillermo like I used to before..I'm actually enjoying not having to worry about what to wear to go out
7. Am I NOT in love with Guillermo anymore?
and #8: I am still in love with him.
Why am I still in love with him, though he made our relationship weird and doesn't want to do anything with me anymore? Same reason why I couldn't break up with him last year and why I couldn't leave him 2 years ago.
I want to say I am over him, but he does things that surprises me. Like this weekend when I threw my mom her surprise 50th birthday party, Guillermo left me a FB message wishing my mom a happy birthday. He NEVER did that before. Of course there's the causal FB comments but that's the extent of our conversations. Even the comments are kinda weird because Guillermo's not teasing me. I don't know with this guy: should I give up or keep holding on?
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